If Cosmo is the Bible then I'm a disciple.

I love you girls!

I feel like you guys really care and support me! YAY!
And because you guys are so fucking RAD your prayers and wishes worked their little monster magic!
My Dad is stable for now, and Tyler and I have had the best last couple of days! 

This right here is exactly what we are like 99% of the time! This morning he rolled on me and told me he's not moving off me... I asked why, and he said he has to make sure I don't go away. Aw Then he kisses the crap out of me and exchange 

"I love you's" and he always gets this blown away look on his face and says how happy he is. I love him so much.

-Oh and welcome new followers! And thank v. for the comment! Thank all of you for them comments, big girl hugs!
-So I've been a big fat whale lately... Some of it was planned and some was pure laziness...

I mean "Kirsty Alley's work-out" kind of lazy.. so yea. PRETTY FUCKING LAZY

I haven't purged in like a month...but I haven't binged in like a month either.. I've been taking diet pills everyday but I think my metabolism hit a plateau since I was eating under 500cals a day so this weekend I thought "I'll eat everything!" to boost it.. So starting Monday I'm starving again. :) I need pressure and support guys!  

I mean "Kirsty Alley's chair" kind of support... so yea.. LOTS OF FKN SUPPORT!

(haha I'm such a bitch.)

Anywhoozle I mean it girls! whoop me into shape. what are some good rules?

Wait! I've got it! A challenge! You girls help me make a list for my next post, of rules and I'll promise to stick to this and get to 120 pounds by the 25st of this month! I'm pretty sure that I'm 136 right now... So that's 16 pounds in less that 3 weeks! And I'll promise to take a before and after body shot! You girls in?!

P.S- You have to look up the song "Fuck You" by Cee Lo Green 

          It's hilarious. I'm in love with it! hehehe

I love you guys!!!!!! xoxoxoxox

Help Me

Girls,

I'm sorry it took me so long to write comments on your blogs and read them all. And sorry I haven't posted recently I'm just so stressed. I know you all don't want to hear about the neatives in my life but I'm going to list some anyways just beacuse I need to write something. I promise to end on a good note though ;)

So this is what's been stressing me out:
-College (It's a little overwhelming right now)
-My Dad is dying.. His hearts failing and he needs a transplant.
-My favorite brother hasn't talked to me in forever... I miss him so much
-Money..Although my mom sent me some money to help me.
-Tyler.. It's not him exactly that is stressing me out but this last week has been the worst in our ENTIRE relationship. I don't know why but we get into more fights, haven't been as loving and passionate. He works all day and I have school all day so I know it's because we are both tired and stressed.
-My weight...Even though I know I've kept off all the weight that I've lost I still need to lose 20 pounds.
-Me. I just feel like by going to school I'm neglecting Tyler. I know all he wants is my love and attention but I have so much to do.. I love him so much. Everyone put in a little wish that me and Tyler work it out! :)

 Positives in my life:
-I was told by the only good looking guy in my socioloy class that I had stunning looks!
-I have the world's best boyfriend!
-My Glamor magazine came in the mail, and it's the largest issue in 20 years!!
-My school got canceled today because of the Hurricane! ( don't worry i'm fine!)
-My best friend might move in with me, but its a big "might"
-I have a job interview in a week! (wish me luck!)
-I get to see Kesha next month!
_________________________________________________________________________
Okay so I love all of you and Ava... you rule! I wish all of us little monsters could live together and be equally and beautifully fucked up. LMAO. I really need you guys. You keep me sane!

OH SHIT! I ALMOST FORGOT!!!!

-I met a girl in my chemistry class who's PERFECT! She must be 97pounds of perfection! 

Perfect Skin, Perfect Hair, Perfect Style! And I think she's anorexic.. In a sick way I hope she is so that we can become besties! I don't think she's Ana just because she's skinny but I watched her down a water bottle in class, and proceed to chug another one down! Then I saw her working out when I was, then we both took the same exercise class..She obviously doesn't need to lose weight but she definietly thinks so!

"Cause this is Thriller"

Happy Birthday Michael Jackson(aka the Patron Saint of POP)

On lieu of the King of Pop's Birthday I was going to bake a chocolate cake with vanilla frosting.. Get it?! 

White on the outside, and black on the inside. ;)  But I don't have any cake mix and I have no money to go get any. Fuck I'm so broke. But I have been playing MJ all day long, and watched his TV special, and watching his music video's tonight! And I kissed the poster I have of him. I love you Michael! R.I.P!

Being broke sucks a large cellulite ass.

I have 35cents in my bank account. The only thing good about being broke is that I don't have anything in my cupboards to eat. So on my schedule for school I get out at 1pm everyday, and Tyler doesn't get home till 4pm which means I can go study for an hour and work out for two hours! I'm so happy that we the Univ has a SPEC-FUCKING-TASTICAL gym. 

I'm seriously happier than a teenage boy discovering the password to the porn channel.

So today I've eating half of a top ramen soup... and for dinner I might have some baby carrots.

I love that Lida removes my hunger. I cannot wait for my Financial Aid disbursement check.. OMG I have to buy books, school, clothes, bills, groceries,clothes, a bike, and did I mention CLOTHES!?! 

This school year's wish/to do list: cigarettes, a kick ass wardrobe, at least one girl-friend, pass all my classes, make a ton of friends, join a club, get to 115 pounds, get job, take a shit ton of pictures, go clubbing, get wasted at a college kegger, get another tattoo, get a pet bunny!

For MJ fans:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=po0jY4WvCIc&feature=related

School & Snakes on a Plane.

So I start school in one week! Here's my schedule: 

 

 Chemistry 105/106

Sociology 201

Theater & Audience 

Statistics 130

Chem Lab (grr)

Eng 201

Yeah so that is 16 credits... 12 is full time and 18 is overload so 16 is a frantic medium I suppose. And yeah thats my school campus. Right on the bay ;) By the way this is where I live:

Anywhoozle I'mma go to the gym today. Oh yea about the Snakes on a Plane part.. 

Shit I suck at blogs.. 

Well my boyfriend's Granny is sick and might not make it through the month so I'm flying with him to Tennessee because he wants me to meet her before she passes. He's so sweet! So southern and perfect.. yum. ANYWAYS he he (I'm sorry I just love him so fucking much!) So I'm gonna meet his whole family! AH! I'm scared, not about making a good impression because that hope flew out the window when they heard we both cheated on our partners to be together...I'm more scared because they are all southern cooks which means the "F" word.

"Fats" 

Like I said earlier I'm going to the gym, and still taking lida..might continue fasting... I missed you girls! By the way everyone say a prayer to Michael Jackson on sunday.. It would have been his birthday. My bf played dirty diana for me this morning... omg he is perfect!  

p.s- I'm excited for school because I'm gonna be a rockstar little monster! 

Oh Ava btw it was a total Gaga refrence..I'm goo goo for gaga.  

School is gonna be the highlight of my life. I'mm live it up!

I'd Rather Be A Rockstar.

Would you rather be a Billionaire, or a Rockstar?

It's an honest question. I thought about it all day, and decided I'd rather be a rockstar. Rockstars have a way of life that is in your face amazing. Legendary. Sure being a Billionaire you could do whatever the fuck you wanted but who quotes billionaires? Or has t-shirts of them, or posters. Billionaires are like the material that makes them famous... Paper. Easy to crumple and throw away. Rockstars on the other hand are made of glam and glitter...  

Glitter is almost impossible to get rid of! LMAO.

Anyways, sorry for being gone so long. I'm back! I had my period and gained weight... I didn't take lida while on my period. I also registered for classes! Fuck I'm so excited! Good news: I can still see my hip bones! Bad news: My stomach isn't flat! I'm fasting.. juice fasting today, water fasting for the rest of the week.. While on lida.. I know it's not smart.. 

But I don't give a fuck.

I bought some new clothes.. new shoes most importantly. I don't deserve them because I'm a fat little fuck.

Here are the shoes:

Do you like them? Well If you don't go fuck your couch.. he he he

(My Life Update: Start Univ in one week, my bf still rocks!, My ex is a faggot, I might start smoking, I'm not eating, I'm going to start going to a support group, Dinner for Schmucks was great, I'm a broke college student and spent the last of my money on boots...yea I'm a little monster.)

Fuckity Fuck.

I ate so much these last two days.

I fucking hate myself! Do I have no control?! Am I that weak?
I am not eating anymore, if I do it'll be either a slice of ham, or a grape, or a pickle. Fuck I don't know. I've lost 11 pounds in 8 days. I need to lose another 15 by August 28th..maybe even 20.

Fuck!

I'm going to water fast and take this pill.
The reason I'm so moody is because I went to the beach today and felt my thighs rub together as I walked around. Then to top it off there was a skinny bitch there in a tiny black bikini. I want to be the skinny bitch in the black bikini.

Grr... 

News Flash* I promised my best friend that I'd seek some sort of "help" because of my eating disorder, so I might be going to a support group meeting soon.
I need someone here to kick my ass all day and tell me not to eat.I want my body to eat itself, why should I be it's slave and feed it. I want to tell my body: "Feed yourself you selfish fucking cow!"

I might not write another post for a couple weeks, but I'll log on you read/comment yours. :)

Answers, Thanks, & Tips

Sick B: Thank you! I have realized this is my last "teen" year so I'm going to live it up!
Wintergirl: Ha ha ;) you know I did!
Sarah: Yes that is me :) and thank you sweet stuff!

Today's blog was inspired by some posts on PT. People on there are debating whether or not it's okay to ask for tips, or help.

I'm not promoting ED's, these things just have helped me during my ongoing stuggle.

My opinion is: If you are on PT you probably already have an eating disorder, and are learning how to cope with it. I'd rather give a girl a small harmless tip than have her be without and have a total breakdown because she can't figure out what she's doing wrong when the tip could have helped her.

*Simple Helpful Tips*

• To boost metabolism try adding a dash (1/4tsp) of cayenne pepper in some ice water and chugg it.
• Drink 8-10 glasses of water a day! Literally keep a water bottle with you always.When you are hungry take a drink because you are probably dehydrated.
• Do at least 20mins of Cardio a day. Or 2 1/2-3hrs a week.
• Before getting on the scale clips your nails, shower and scrub your body, go to the bathroom, and strip.
• When buying over the counter meds don't purchase one's that make you drowsy, you'll be less active and won't burn as many calories.
• Invest in a jump rope, it burns nearly twice as many calories in comparison to most cardio.
• When purging HYDRATE. You are losing vital fluids, and it makes it easier on your throat.
• If you purge buy Pronamel toothpaste by Sensodyne. It restores and hardens enamel that is being eaten away by your stomach acid. 
• Take a multivitamin daily. If you're a woman get one with Iron and Calcium.
• If you are a gum chewer (like me) buy Trident EXTRA care. It's fortified with calcium to keep teeth strong.
• Stop consuming table sugar.
• If you go out to IHOP or a breakfast place and use syrup request diabetic syrup..its like 80% less calories.
• When fasting do not over exert yourself.
• Get out in the sun! The sun has vitamin D which if you're ED than you probably need it.

By the way I'm making it a 250 calorie day and I'm going to the gym. Hopefully I'm going to do Cardio for two hours! Then a lax tonight :) My birthday was great, thanks everyone! I ate a huge cheeseburger and opted to not have cake so I ate a milky way instead. What a great gift. Now time to sweat my ass off at the gym to make up for it. 

P.S- My hip bones are showing again (just a lil bit!) Tyler felt them last night and was like "OMFG those are sexy!"

Happy Birthday to me...

It's my birthday today. 

I'm 19. I'm actually really say that its my birthday because I love being young and nearing my 20's is scary to me. So last night Tyler and I had a great evening celebrating the last night as being 18.

I lost two more pounds :) Which is great but I'm not gonna get to excited because Tyler is taking me to dinner and a Movie tonight which means I have to eat. So I'm not weighing myself again until the 10th. This morning Tyler had to leave for work, but he only has to be there for a little bit. After he left I got a knock on the door and there was a delivery man with a bouquet of flowers! They were from Tyler :) they had a card that said "I love you, Happy Birthday Beautiful, p.s- You're a knockout!" 

Just so you know I've always thought being called a knockout is the best compliment.

Cleaning...everything.

So I woke up today really early. I usually wake up at 4am to kiss Tyler goodbye as he leaves for work, then roll back over and go to sleep. But this time I stayed up I binged down a breakfast prolly 400calories and It felt gross so I spent the morning shoving my toothbrush down my throat and purging. After I got absolutely everything out I drank tea, took my multivitamin, and Lida. I spent the rest of the day cleaning. 

When I say cleaning I mean this place is sexier than Brad Pitt's abs. 

 So since this is my happy post I'll start by saying I'm proud of myself for keeping my calories low! I'm super excited for college! You might not know it, but I'm that weird girl who loves going to school everyday! And thank you everyone for supporting me.. That breakdown was intense... Tyler is my angel though. I love him so much! We've been together 7months and he still gives me butterflies, and we still are just crazy in love 24/7. I love him I love him I love him! He's got big green eyes, big soft hands, and long muscular arms, the cutest patch of hair under his belly button, the softest pink lips, and a Tennessee tan. :)

Today I've eaten:

One rice cake-50als

20 Frozen grapes

One diet coke

And for dinner I'll either have a can of tuna, or a rice cake, or some mushrooms..

Anyways I'll keep it under 200 calories.

Ava-rose- I'm studying Nursing, how about you? :)

Winter-Girl-Tyler is the man I left my husband for and I don't regret it for a second!

Sarah- I live in Virginia :)

Dirty Diana

So since I started the pill turns out I was actually more like 148lbs the first day, and I'm on day four of the pill I'm down to 143! I lost 5lbs! YES!

I had an episode last night.. I wanted to kill myself. 

I got out of bed and grabbed my boyfriends knife and held it to my wrist I started to pierce my skin then stopped... I'd miss Tyler too much, and I couldn't do that to him. When I climbed back into bed he saw the starting cut and started crying. He held me all night telling me he loved me more than life it's self. I know he really does..which is a gift most people doubt their partners affection but not me. I know tyler loves me.

So I don't know if you all know the song Dirty Diana by Michael Jackson..but for some reason I picture a skinny girl with an ED. Is that wierd to assume that about fictional characters?

I've kept all my calorie intake under 600 calories for the last 4 days. I'm proud of myself. My birthday is in three days I hope I continue to lose wieght. I'm so excited for university!