Sarcasm, Eating Disorders, College Life, and everything else.. Oh and for those who hate cursing.. Fuck you. Just kidding.. But seriously.

Oct 15, 2010

You Are Not Alone/Thinspo

Thank you!
I want to let you all know that because of what you said and some Michael Jackson magic (I'll explain later) that I am staying with Tyler because I know everyone makes mistakes. He is sorry, He does love me, and we are working hard to get back the trust. So I'm much better now and the relationship recovery begins.

Michael Jackson Magic
-This is pretty much directed towards billiejean because she is as crazy about MJ as I am, but it will also show you guys how dead serious I am about Michael! So the other night I went to pick up tyler when he got off duty (he's in  the navy) I was still undecieded about trusting him ever again and felt so alone.. then I got in the car and turned on the radio. Michael Jackson's "You are not Alone" was playing and the lyrics spoke to me and reassured me the MJ was always watching me and saying that Tyler was the right choice. It sounds crazy to you guys but I believe In MJ.
Thin Talk
-So I've successfully fasted for 4 whole days now, I had two days over the last weekend where I ate because I was depressed (ugg I know) but since then NO FOOD! not even a crumb!

-I took a lax last night (TMI WARNING) and It grinded my gears all morning, I was so sick :(

-Yesterday I worked out for 3 solid hours (on no food!) I biked 5 miles, did weights and abs and elliptical, and treadmill then my circuit training class (which burns 1000 calories an hour)

-My calorie intake waas like negative 2000 or some awesome bullshit.

-My new bestie IRL, Lena, is just like me and skinny obsessed. She wanted to try lida so I gave her a pack (dont worry I made her research it first and gave her the Low-Down)

Tyler Talk
Tyler's Grandma passed away and he's been so down lately... R.I.P
-His other grams (we call her nan) she chatted to me on facebook and asked how we were doing. And she told me that she quote- "I know he is just crazy about you. He's my favorite grandson and since when he loves he really means LOVE" she also told me that his pappy was so mad that Tyler broke my heart that he's gonna kick his butt. She went on to tell me all the great things Tyler has told her about me. Which was so sweet and surprising because I didn't know that he told her that much about me. Tyler loves his family, and it's obvious he wants me to be a part of his forever.
 I do truly love him.

My Phobia- Dedicated to SickBitch
So I laughed so hard when I saw that you were terrified about worms, but then again I was being a TOTAL hypocrite lmao. I know how hard it must be when people think you're weird because your phobia... but don't! I have a "odd phobia" too. I'm terrified of Garden Gnomes.. I mean  I won't date a guy who has one in his yard lol I won't walk down a street with them and I can't watch Wallace and Gromit because I scream. And due to the fact that the Travelocity has Gnomes as a mascot I can't watch the Amazing Race... or TV most of the time.. They are fucking terrifying.
-Once, three years ago my so called bitch of a friend thought it would be jolly fun to put a little gnome in my mail box (she lived next to me) and after school we walked home together and I always check the mail well... surprise SUR-FUCKING-PRISE I put my hand in and there was the GNOME! I screamed so fkn hard I went to my room and turned on all the lights, hid under my covers and cried. She laughed her ass off for a fkn week. I refused to check that mailbox for at least a month or two.

Personal Thinspo Time
I've always wanted to be someone else's thinspo, so these are all pictures of my, except the drawing.. I drew that. lol
These pics are almost a week old.. but tell me what you think!

My pink studded monster shoes and those are BAGGY (yay) size 7 hollister denim jeans (no spandex blend crap)

A Picture I drew a couple weeks ago.

This is me outside my apartments

IDK if you guys like the FUCK YOU type of thinspo but this was over the weekend and it's me.

My legs and the ever growing gap between my fat ass thighs..

Oct 13, 2010

Love the way you LIE

Thank you. Each and every one of you who was kind enough to give me support. I'm sorry for not commenting on your blogs, I tried to read as many as I could today and comment.. if you don't see one for your most recent check the one before it because I go back and read them before getting to the new ones.

So I'm exhausted... 
I've cried all I can possibly cry and I'm starving myself so that I can focus better. 

The day before yesterday I caught Tyler in a lie.
A lie that was small but was a branch connected to a whole tree of lies.
This lie wasn't a white lie.. It was dirty and covered in filth. 
He lied to me while staring me in the eyes.. 
Those beautiful fucking green eyes locked into mine and lied.
He lied about stupid shit all because of that stupid bitch he works with.
When he begged and cried all I could say was:
"I hope she's worth it"
He didn't touch her, he just lied for her.
I called her bf and he is just as hurt and surprised.
At least Tyler isn't cheating..but since I have to take his word for it 
I'm getting check up to make sure I didn't catch anything... just in case.

What hurts the most is that the same morning I found the lie I had woken up crying because
I had a nightmare that Tyler cheated on me.. And he held me and told me it was just a dream 
and that he'd never hurt me.
He swore he's 100% faithful and honest, and the last thing he wants is to hurt me. 
I was comforted because HE told me it would be ok.
Then later that night I finally followed my gut.. and listened to myself.. 
Those times where the bad thoughts trail through my brain (like the post before last)
turns out that is my gut trying to wake me up with the truth.
So I stayed in the shadows till I found the lie. 
I confronted him.
He told me it was me being crazy again.
Lies, more Lies..
I tell him that this is the first time that I don't believe you.
He says he can't take that I don't trust him anymore, he's had it!

"Where you going?" 
                           "I'm leaving you!"
"No you ain't come back!"

We're running right back-Here we go again...
It's so insane! Cause when it's going good...It's going great!

He's Superman with the wind at his back  and I'm his Lois Lane
But when it's bad It's  fucking awful. He made me feel so ashamed 

(of doubting him and I was right all along!)

You ever love somebody so much
I can BARELY breathe When I see him
We met And neither one of us even know what hit 'us
 Had that warm fuzzy feeling,Yeah them chills, I still get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick Of looking at  him!
He swore he'd never wrong me, Never do nothing to hurt  me

Now we're in each other's face, Spewing venom And these words
When we spit 'em, I  push, Pull my hair, Scratch, claw, bit 'me
Throw myself down In tears

So lost in the moments When you're in 'em. It's the rage that took over
It controls your heart!
So they say it's best to go your separate ways, guess that th
ey don't know me
Cause it's today

That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
We Sound like broken records Playin' over
And Next time I'll show some faith

Trust don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game

  Tyler lied again
If only I had the strength to walk away..

I'm stayin with him. He appologized, and I know he meant it...
It's going to be forever till I can touch/trust/understand him completely again.
I love him.. What can I say.... I'm broken. Please talk to me Grils..
I'm not eatin... still.

Oct 11, 2010

Lies... sorry

 Sorry I haven't commented.. I'm busy hurting myself and crying.
My gut was right
Tyler was lieing....  I'm leaving him now... I've cried all my fluids out. I cant do this anymore... I'll write you all later.. I'm sorry for not commentin..

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High of a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer
I sufficate
And right before im about to drown
She resuscitates me
She fucking hates me
And I love it
Where you going
I'm leaving you
No you ain't
Come back
We're running right back
Here we go again
It's so insane
Cause when it's going good
It's going great
I'm Superman
With the wind in his bag
She's Lois Lane
But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills
Used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom
And these words
When you spit 'em
You push
Pull each other's hair
Scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down
Eminem Love The Way You Lie lyrics found on
Pin 'em
So lost in the moments
When you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over
It controls you both
So they say it's best
To go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today
That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
Sound like broken records
Playin' over
But you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie