I stepped on the scale.

I did this for you little monsters.. seriously. All the comments from you girls made me do this.. Like I owed it to you. 

So I stepped on the scale (at night with three cups of tea and a 1/2 sweet potato in me) I watched the little dial increase like slices on my wrist..

___________________________ Slice

________________________ Slice

_____________________Slice

__________________Slice

124.6

5'7''

9.4 lbs to lose. FML!

I want bones. warning*

The last 48 hours have been such hell.
I'm OCD and it requires a lot of energy to do regular activities because
                             I get so fkn stupid over them..
I've gotten less than 4 hours of sleep each night for the past two weeks.

Little to no food.

It's draining me, making me better, killing me, skinnier, stressing me out.

People ask me what do I want out of all of this.
All the pain, stress, starving, OCD..
I'll tell you. This. Is. What. I. Want. Need.

I want skin on my bones.

I want him on my skin.

I want a smile on his face.

I want me on his mind.

I want all A's.

I want to be friends with the scale.

I want to be tiny.

I want everything to be perfect.

I want to be envied, hated, loved, noticed but left alone.

Want is a lie.

Want is a disguise I tell people.

Want is really Need.

Updates:

-I'm gonna starve.

-I will do a tips page

-I need help.. I don't want it.

-I'm really overwhelmed....

I

                                  want

the

               pain...dissapointment

to                                              be like

         my 

heart                       and

 just

                      fucking

stop.

I NEED TO BE SKINNY GODDAMNITT! DOESN'T ANYONE UNDER$TAND ME! MY WHOLE WORLD HURTS BECAUSE I'M FAT.

Ribs...not only at Chili's

I'm starving well thank goodness.

I appreciate every single comment I get!

I miss you all.

Tyler held me last night although we were both so tiered and kissed like we were 15 and our parents were in the other room. He held me.. I love his arms and hands they are so big he slipped his fingers into the grooves of my ribs and squeezed. He loves them. Not as much as I love them.

Honestly I am too tierd to report much. After school yesterday I did so many chores..Tyler's brother is coming today to stay for awhile and I've let some things slip so I wanted to be a good gf.
I did the following:
-2 loads of laundry
-Scrubbed the bathroom, tub, toilette, organized
-Sanatized the toothbrushes
-Cleaned the kitchen, dishes, cabinets, over, fridge, organized, mopped swept
-Cleaned the floors
-Washed the walls down, dusted, windows, washed the linens, made the bed.
-Took out the trash, clean all the door handles
-Cooked (from scratch) crab cakes and a white corn aoli sauce for tyler
-Ran to walmart to get groceries and a cot for his brother.
-Bought food for the boys, unloaded the groceries

All on an empty stomach, a full heart and by myself. I put off everything I wanted to do for myself because I knew ty wanted to play ball with his friends so I let him go out. I didnt have to time to do my homework and flunked it..but I still have an A in the class so IDC.  I also bought tyler a gift and he was so happy.
I love seeing him happy.

I'm skipping school today.

I'm tiered. I'm going to stay home, rest, sleep, and take a salon day. I need to pluck my eye brows, treat my hair, do my nails and look good for my man. So no workout today.. Oh yeah and I have super cramps since I'm on my period..FML I might jog tonight if it's not to cold...At least 500 crunchies and I have my weights.... hmmm. Ab workout? possible!

Sorry I'm boring.
I love you all!
Starve starve starve...that's what I'm gonna do.

Oh I'm thinking of adding a tips page..yes or no?