Sarcasm, Eating Disorders, College Life, and everything else.. Oh and for those who hate cursing.. Fuck you. Just kidding.. But seriously.

Oct 23, 2010

Pure as bone..

I've been on the merry go round again.
Lost my footing and fainted....

Although the concert was still pumping through my veins,
Tyler and I were arguing and cold to each other. The next day was even worse..
I got home early.-Too cold and too weak to stand and wait for the bus so I called a cab.
The driver was sweet.
Graying middle aged man who talked about how the area once was a dark ghetto...
He had a five o-clock shadow around his face and neck like a prickly scarf.
He rambled about how much he loved his wife..
I immediately thought of Tyler.
We had argued all day...and then I got home. The door was locked.
We never lock the door. So I knocked and he opened the door.
After a few seconds of us not talking to each other I notice a cab parked in front of my apartment.
The same cab-graying middle age man, over weight, kind smile behind glasses.
Then sprinting out of our building goes a girl with a short blond pony tail.
Shake, shiver.. I need to throw up.
I think it's her.. The girl from Tyler's work... the one that is always ruining my life!
I keep calm. I call my mom. She tells me terrible things. "It's all your fault"
I can't catch my breath. 
Tyler doesn't care because I accused him of cheating and he swears he didn't.
"There isn't even a blond girl in our damn apartment!"- I scream
The thoughts seep out like jelly when there is too much in your sandwich...
sitting there taunting me.
Slow jelly drips...
I stay calm as we scream at each other. I run a bath.. the last bath I'll ever take.
Open the Tylenol bottle?
Nah, Tried it..It ruins your organs and I hate getting my tummy pumped.. 
Been there done that.. Not fast enough.
We are in two separate worlds as I prepare to end mine.
I grab a cocktail dress. One that makes me feel beautiful.
The bracelet my mother gave me, a pack of starburst and a coke and set them by the tub.
I slip on my dress and turn on the song my mother always did when she lost all hope.
I shut the bathroom door and grab a razor. In my dress I climb into the bath.
No tears, no fear. I whisper my prayers. Eat a starburt, sip some coke and listen.
"I can't be cheated on." "I can't keep assuming stuff and hurting Tyler"
"I can't keep disappointing my mother" 
So I've decided to end it. I grab the razor. It's been so long since I cut I need practice.
Slice. Slice. Slice. Slice. 
Four bleeding cuts on my thighs.
In my thoughts- I've always wanted to die warm, pretty, and with comfort food, not alone...
Well I was alone in the bathroom.. but I can deal with that.
I pull the blade to my wrist. Left or right? Left. Definitely left. I'm fatter on my left side.
Slice. Slice. Slice-just getting warmed up. The opening act. 
Slice. Slice. Slice.- Dimming the lights.
They are calling my name like an encore...Waiting for me to hit the stage with a center light.
I press the razor down and the blood starts.. just need to drag it.
The curtain raises.. Red.
Only it's not a curtain... It's Tyler opening the door. "What are you doing"
I tell him calmly to leave.. I'm taking a bath.
He almost leaves.. I can't pull the trigger with him in the room.
He questions some more till he pulls back the curtain.
Technical Difficulties folks, the show will go on. Rest assured ladies and gents.
Yells, tears, question-His not mine. I am calm in my pink bath. I tell him I'm sleeping.
Yells, tears, questions-His not mine.
I tell him I'm going to a party. A birthday party. It's my birthday.
Total Breakdown, anger, tears-His not mine.
He tells me to get out of the tub or he's calling 911.
He pulls me out of the tub after nearly an hour of refusing to listen to him.
I lay down on the bed. He sits on a chair and we talk.
He reminds me my mom is a drunk and is an angry lady. she does this to me all the time.
He reminds me that yes he lied to me once, but never again. And has never cheated.
He told me that if I kill myself we would to.
"Everything together, right?"
He swears that no matter what he'd love me...he'd never let me go.
No matter how fucked up I am.
We cry and talk and hold each other. We take a nap.

We wake up and make some dinner..then lock eyes so in love.
So passionate for each others heart beat.
I graze his skin and it begs for me. We kiss
Then he looks at the blood stained wrists and his green eyes grow envious..
He doesn't want death to touch me. Only he can touch me!
I wrap my arms around his whispering how much I love him.
We are in passionate tears. His arms sail around me, pick up my thighs and carries me.
Kissing and crying he floats me into the bedroom..
We have the perfect storm in the sheets. Painful and beautiful. Tears and Kisses.
That was yesterday..
It's today, and today is a different day.
We slept in. I fixed him breakfast.We watch a movie, take a shower, talk about everything. 
We watch "what's eating you" he says he promises to try to know more about ED's
instead of just getting mad about them. he's nearly halfway through wintergirls
We are beaming with happy so in love.
He kisses my wounds with neosporin.
I let him read a few of my blog posts and comments.. 
He says to thank you girls. 
He knows you guys are my diary life line..little angels under the clicks of my keyboard.
We are having an amazing day. 

I'm starting another fast on Monday. 
A special fast! The longest I've ever gone was 11 days. I want to beat that! I will beat that.
I want at least 2 weeks..  (hopefully 30 days!) Tyler promised to help me do it, but if I get sick he will end it immediately. I agree. My new bestie Lena has finally hit 116. She wrote me today bragging about perfectly fitting into her new size three pants. I tell he to fuck off lmao.. she knows its sick that we compete for it.
But she knows I'm only a few step behind her and soon we will be perfect skinny best friends!
I vowed to enter the new year as AT LEAST a perfect size three.
I will do it. I will finish this fast. I will be skinny. I want to be 115lbs.
I'm on top of the world and I'm happy right now.
Bonnafied- I'm not a veg.. I love animal bi-products way to much lmao Also I wish peanut butter was zero calorie...
Mich-When you said steak was carb free I nearly cried from happiness!
Happiness-I want 115 so bad! When you said I'm prolly 120 I nearly cried of happiness!

-The Ke$ha concert was amazing.. she came out in this 80's looking rock star IDGAF outfit and beat a glitter covered drum like to "Party at a Rich Dudes House". She shot glitter guns in the crowd, beat the shit out of a dinosaur pinata, did a cartwheel, kissed a bouncer, crowd surfed and was amazing!

Oct 21, 2010

Before and Afters/Kesha

Gah I'm $uper $tressed out there is so much to do! I fasted yesterday and 
I have to eat today because tonight is the ke$ha concert (yayayaya)
I want to be awake for it! 

I promise to party hard!
Cover myself in glitter...thin $parkly glitter.
BTW I fucking love ke$ha..because her IDGAF attitude is wonderful lol especially when I'm pissed off. 

-I have to much homework... too much fat. 
But... A promise is a promise and I'm posting my before and after pics... 
IDK if there is a difference. I'll leave it up to you little monsters to decide. 
The before pics were in july/aug... when I got back to my fat weight (14ish),
since I went home and my mother shoved food down my throat took care of me, 
and then the car crash and I was bed ridden for three weeks! (no exercise FML) 
The "afters" are an hour ago.  -excuse my hair I just woke up! lmao.

BEFORE (fat..notice my arms...gross... no hips bones..collar bones or ribs)

I'm so sorry if you guys are getting grossed out about these... :( FML

Afters ( 10/21/10) at least I see some bones... but still seems pointless.
I used to fill this bra to the brim.. now is lose and awkward..


without a dout my the collar bones

grrr i want more ribs!

still have the "donut" belly. at least the thighs dont wobble as much... 

So girls, I'll read and comment all your blogs later and tell you how the concert went.
Tell me about my Before and 100% honest please...
And in my next blog I'll answer everyones q's from the last post.. love you all.
and I super miss you guys!!!

Oct 19, 2010

Short Post

I ate a steak last night.... Yea you guys can thank tyler for that.
I think I hate my ex, he's being a greedy person and rude...Thank god I have tyler.
Tyler is being amazing and we are getting along perfect.
I'm waging war with myself..... I might just win.
                  I need to sew my lips shut.
I want to be frail. I want perfect grades. I want food. I want to be thin. I want to be pretty. I want to be strong. I want my mommy. I want to be envied. I want to be unique. I want to be happy. I want to make myself proud. I want to be a size nothing. I want...No I need those things. 

I feel like I'm nothing special.. 
I'm just another girl, another student, another daughter, another starver, another molecule swimming in this universe.

Like I promised I will show before and after pics on Thursday and I will read ALL your blogs tonight! 
Good luck babes :) 

Oct 17, 2010

The Frost

It's finally chilly all over Virginia, I noticed as I drove tyler to work and my vision was blurred by the frost on the windshield. We, Tyler and I had a talk last night because he wanted me to eat. So I broke my fast, of what five or six days? (I agreed to eat with him this weekend, and keep it down but when I say I'm full he can't pressure me to eat more.) So it was low cal, high protien. Salmon fillet over a green salad and acai juice. I managed to eat half the salad and almost all the salmon but on the last bite I envisioned fat and nearly choked gagging. He looked at me, knowing better that to say anything. He just takes my plate into the kitchen. We talk about my eating disorder which is a very uncomfortable subject to him.

He sighed and said, "I know you do this because you want to be thinner."
I told him that he doesn't get it, but he swears he does..
No he doesn't! I told him it's not even the fact that I love being skinny, it's the fact that even if I wanted to be a "healthy weight" aka fat, that I still couldn't eat normally. I'd still count every calorie, over exercise and look in the mirror 100 times a day. I told him I couldn't help it. I pulled out my Wintergirls book.

He promised me that he'd read it. Maybe he'll understand more if he researched a little.

He held me tight and told me that I've gotten really tiny. He asked if I can see my weight loss. I said that I did.. A little bit. For example I explained:
-On friday I sat down at the desk and rested my arms on the table but it hurt so bad because my elbow bones were digging into the table top..
-Whenever he hugs me I feel like my ribcage is going to break in half.
He said he thinks I probably weigh 123lbs... I started laughing (which hurt his feelings and I appologigized) But that weight sounds ridiculous to me. 123?! I wish.. But I'll never know untill I get the courage to get on the scales.

Thin Talk
-I can see 4 ribs, but my stomach isn't flat enough so I've decided to add running and crunches every morning if I can.
-Tyler walked passed me as I hopped out of the shower and said "Omg, babe you're so tiny"
-Those size three pants I was telling you all about well... I got them on, zipped them up and buttoned! But they are super tight! (so maybe tyler is right I was about 120lbs when I used to fit into those jeans)
-I'mma start fasting again on monday hopefully, I gotta make sure I don't have any tests first.

Response Time
-WWoof sounds amazing! where the fkk do I sign up!
-I don't think I've ever had a traumatic experience with gnomes but they are fucking terrible!
-I have msn, and face book, and skype and what not.. If you wanna chat that'd be great. I really don't care who finds out about my ED or this blog really..because I'm a little monster and I can do whatever the fuck I want so if you wanna add me its fine just lemme know :)
-I love you girls so damn much! I hope you all know that I'm truly sorry that I don't comment on all your blogs, I do read them all the time and comment at least every other day!!
-Hey there are like 5 new followers so welcome little monsters, tell me to follow your blog if i haven't yet so that I can :)
-thanks for the compliments, especially about the drawing. I don't really draw although I really used to love it and paint..But a couple years ago I lost myself and the talent for it.. I'm trying to pick it back up though.

Thinspo Time