Sarcasm, Eating Disorders, College Life, and everything else.. Oh and for those who hate cursing.. Fuck you. Just kidding.. But seriously.

Oct 23, 2010

Pure as bone..

I've been on the merry go round again.
Lost my footing and fainted....

Although the concert was still pumping through my veins,
Tyler and I were arguing and cold to each other. The next day was even worse..
I got home early.-Too cold and too weak to stand and wait for the bus so I called a cab.
The driver was sweet.
Graying middle aged man who talked about how the area once was a dark ghetto...
He had a five o-clock shadow around his face and neck like a prickly scarf.
He rambled about how much he loved his wife..
I immediately thought of Tyler.
We had argued all day...and then I got home. The door was locked.
We never lock the door. So I knocked and he opened the door.
After a few seconds of us not talking to each other I notice a cab parked in front of my apartment.
The same cab-graying middle age man, over weight, kind smile behind glasses.
Then sprinting out of our building goes a girl with a short blond pony tail.
Shake, shiver.. I need to throw up.
I think it's her.. The girl from Tyler's work... the one that is always ruining my life!
I keep calm. I call my mom. She tells me terrible things. "It's all your fault"
I can't catch my breath. 
Tyler doesn't care because I accused him of cheating and he swears he didn't.
"There isn't even a blond girl in our damn apartment!"- I scream
The thoughts seep out like jelly when there is too much in your sandwich...
sitting there taunting me.
Slow jelly drips...
I stay calm as we scream at each other. I run a bath.. the last bath I'll ever take.
Open the Tylenol bottle?
Nah, Tried it..It ruins your organs and I hate getting my tummy pumped.. 
Been there done that.. Not fast enough.
We are in two separate worlds as I prepare to end mine.
I grab a cocktail dress. One that makes me feel beautiful.
The bracelet my mother gave me, a pack of starburst and a coke and set them by the tub.
I slip on my dress and turn on the song my mother always did when she lost all hope.
I shut the bathroom door and grab a razor. In my dress I climb into the bath.
No tears, no fear. I whisper my prayers. Eat a starburt, sip some coke and listen.
"I can't be cheated on." "I can't keep assuming stuff and hurting Tyler"
"I can't keep disappointing my mother" 
So I've decided to end it. I grab the razor. It's been so long since I cut I need practice.
Slice. Slice. Slice. Slice. 
Four bleeding cuts on my thighs.
In my thoughts- I've always wanted to die warm, pretty, and with comfort food, not alone...
Well I was alone in the bathroom.. but I can deal with that.
I pull the blade to my wrist. Left or right? Left. Definitely left. I'm fatter on my left side.
Slice. Slice. Slice-just getting warmed up. The opening act. 
Slice. Slice. Slice.- Dimming the lights.
They are calling my name like an encore...Waiting for me to hit the stage with a center light.
I press the razor down and the blood starts.. just need to drag it.
The curtain raises.. Red.
Only it's not a curtain... It's Tyler opening the door. "What are you doing"
I tell him calmly to leave.. I'm taking a bath.
He almost leaves.. I can't pull the trigger with him in the room.
He questions some more till he pulls back the curtain.
Technical Difficulties folks, the show will go on. Rest assured ladies and gents.
Yells, tears, question-His not mine. I am calm in my pink bath. I tell him I'm sleeping.
Yells, tears, questions-His not mine.
I tell him I'm going to a party. A birthday party. It's my birthday.
Total Breakdown, anger, tears-His not mine.
He tells me to get out of the tub or he's calling 911.
He pulls me out of the tub after nearly an hour of refusing to listen to him.
I lay down on the bed. He sits on a chair and we talk.
He reminds me my mom is a drunk and is an angry lady. she does this to me all the time.
He reminds me that yes he lied to me once, but never again. And has never cheated.
He told me that if I kill myself we would to.
"Everything together, right?"
He swears that no matter what he'd love me...he'd never let me go.
No matter how fucked up I am.
We cry and talk and hold each other. We take a nap.

We wake up and make some dinner..then lock eyes so in love.
So passionate for each others heart beat.
I graze his skin and it begs for me. We kiss
Then he looks at the blood stained wrists and his green eyes grow envious..
He doesn't want death to touch me. Only he can touch me!
I wrap my arms around his whispering how much I love him.
We are in passionate tears. His arms sail around me, pick up my thighs and carries me.
Kissing and crying he floats me into the bedroom..
We have the perfect storm in the sheets. Painful and beautiful. Tears and Kisses.
That was yesterday..
It's today, and today is a different day.
We slept in. I fixed him breakfast.We watch a movie, take a shower, talk about everything. 
We watch "what's eating you" he says he promises to try to know more about ED's
instead of just getting mad about them. he's nearly halfway through wintergirls
We are beaming with happy so in love.
He kisses my wounds with neosporin.
I let him read a few of my blog posts and comments.. 
He says to thank you girls. 
He knows you guys are my diary life line..little angels under the clicks of my keyboard.
We are having an amazing day. 

I'm starting another fast on Monday. 
A special fast! The longest I've ever gone was 11 days. I want to beat that! I will beat that.
I want at least 2 weeks..  (hopefully 30 days!) Tyler promised to help me do it, but if I get sick he will end it immediately. I agree. My new bestie Lena has finally hit 116. She wrote me today bragging about perfectly fitting into her new size three pants. I tell he to fuck off lmao.. she knows its sick that we compete for it.
But she knows I'm only a few step behind her and soon we will be perfect skinny best friends!
I vowed to enter the new year as AT LEAST a perfect size three.
I will do it. I will finish this fast. I will be skinny. I want to be 115lbs.
I'm on top of the world and I'm happy right now.
Bonnafied- I'm not a veg.. I love animal bi-products way to much lmao Also I wish peanut butter was zero calorie...
Mich-When you said steak was carb free I nearly cried from happiness!
Happiness-I want 115 so bad! When you said I'm prolly 120 I nearly cried of happiness!

-The Ke$ha concert was amazing.. she came out in this 80's looking rock star IDGAF outfit and beat a glitter covered drum like to "Party at a Rich Dudes House". She shot glitter guns in the crowd, beat the shit out of a dinosaur pinata, did a cartwheel, kissed a bouncer, crowd surfed and was amazing!


  1. i'm sorry all that happened hun. i know you can be strong and it sounds like you have tyler's full support. love uxx

  2. Im glad you are feeling better today. Please remember that everyone, including us and tyler want you here and to be happy. good luck with your fast. i might join in on a few days but i doubt i would be able to do 30 since my best is like 3 lol. xo

  3. Oh hun, I'm sorry all of that is going on. Please don't do that to yourself :( It breaks my heart just to read that. You are a strong girl, and you have a boy who loves you very, very much. And you have us too. So how about next time, come on here, let all of your anger, your suspicions, and your fears out in a blog post. Then go to bed, and wait for our our responses, telling you that you are wonderful, that you will get through this, and that you are strong.

    Glad you are feeling better today.

  4. I'm glad you got through that without hurting yourself too badly.

    Yes, no carbs in steak! Just have to make sure you don't eat any of the fat--only the meat. I know they're expensive, but filet mignon is the best, as its among the leanest cuts of steak. You deserve a treat after your bad night--I think you should make Tyler get you a nice steak for dinner. :-*


  5. omggg so much has happened!!!! Where have i been!!!!!

    Fuck you had such a horrible day.. im so sorry babe... i wish so much that i knew you in real life so we could actually be friends so i could be there for you when u need someone... :(

    Tyler sounds like a good guy, i really do think he loves you... seems like his heart is in the right place...

    PLEASE stay safe baby girl and dont hurt yourself... no one and nothing is worth that! If it all gets to much for you, pack up and come live with me lol


  6. Oh boy. I don't know what to say.
    I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time. I've been there and all I can say is take baby steps and ask for help whenever you need it. Surround yourself with people you trust and who love and care about you- here is a good place to start! :) Whenever you feel the need to vent let it all out in a post or punch a pillow or scream and throw things or run or do anything you can think of to help that's not hurting you! Please stay safe- take care! xxx

  7. Aw I'm so glad you're okay now because I was really worried as I was reading the beginning of your post. Even though I don't personally know you, reading your blog and your comments on mine always brings a smile to my of the few things that does. It helps keep me together, if that makes sense.

    Tyler does seem like his heart is in the right place, but I'm sure it's hard for him to understand what you're going through. It seems like he works really hard, though, and I think he loves you. And as hypocritical as I'm about to sound, just remember you're not alone even when you feel like it. Funny how we can give advice but can never take our own, right?