Sarcasm, Eating Disorders, College Life, and everything else.. Oh and for those who hate cursing.. Fuck you. Just kidding.. But seriously.

Oct 9, 2010

Spinning Clouds..please read

When you were a kid did you ever lay down on a merry-go-round
and let someone spin you...just watching the sky spin around
feeling gravity cuddle you while you let the world finally
catch up with your thoughts?

-This is how I feel when I go through certain sequnces of my life.-
Last night my ex was calling Ty's phone to get ahold of me. I ignored it.
When I went to check the number I saw that there was an outgoing call on
Ty's phone to that girl he works with that I don't trust.
spinning spinning spinning
My heart hurts. I feel sick. I'm pissed. No! Wait..Be cool!
So I take a shower so I could have a meltdown without him knowing.
I was standing in the shower crying and gasping.
My mind was on the merry-go-round.
spinning spinning spinning
Sobbing "Is he cheating on me?! I told him to get away from her!!"
"No Tyler loves you! She is just a coworker and she's nasty!"
I'm         washing      down           the               drain.
I'm fucking useless. He deserves better. Does he know it?

Spinning Panic Spinning
"Wait it makes sense! She's nasty, I'm nasty! maybe he likes nasty bitches."
Grab the shampoo bottle and ram it against my body harder and harder!
"Stop it! You are doubting an amazing man" Please let me get off this  
FUCKING merry-go-round is no longer merry goddamnitt!
I dropped the bottle and used my fists to punch stupid fucking self.

Silence. Towell. Laptop. Act normal.
"Tyler go away!"  He leaves the room hurt. I won't tell him what's wrong.
Silent tears. This towell is pointless. Tyler tries to talk to me.
I become rude. He begs me to talk to him. I'm fucking busy hating myself.
I push him away. He packs a bag and leaves.
I shrivvel on the ground heaving, I haven't eaten in days.

I'm empty. Completely
I get dressed. I'm going to leave. He's better without me.
All I take with me is my bones, his worn out work shirt that I love.
His cold dog tags in my pocket. I head to the door ready ...
To dissolve into the night. He's knocking.

Knocking, spinning, my love
My man comes in and and calms me down. He takes his warm hands up.
So big and soft like the clouds spinning by. He reassures me...holds me.
The gravitational pull is stronger than this cold earth, and it brings me back.
I know he would never cheat. He explains: she called to get a coworkers number.

The merry-go stops. I loose my footing and fall. dizzy tiny dancer.
Then he picks me up and wraps my legs around him. One hand in my hair..
One holding me close to him. He lays me down gently, and tucks me in.
Choking back tears he kisses me on the head. I whisper "I'm sorry."
looking away.Ashamed.
"I'm sorry I'm so sick like this babe, I love you" those hands hold my cheek.
"Hey.." he sighs  "Show me those brown eyes" I look at him afraid of seeing 
dissapointment, but I saw a smile and green eyes that twinkled.
"You're my girl baby doll. My one and only. No matter what right?"
 He stares at me completely pure and whispers
"If you leave, I leave. Everything together right?"
 I kiss him.
The spinning stops.

Everything Else.
I broke my fast of 4 days today.
I started a partial period today..And am in pain.
I have bruises from last night.
Sorry it's depressing I promise I'm better now.
I can see 4 ribs. (amazingly considering I'm bloated)
I need to be 115.. but how will I even know if I fear the scales...
Tyler thinks I'm 125 (which i think is crap! I feel like a whale)

I love him so much. Nothing Is better.
                Simply the best.

Oct 8, 2010

Skinny, Sick, Sad

Lovelybones- Ha ha ha  I loved you comment..It's so true and I'd love to say that to someone!

-I'm slowly shrinking but I'm so damn imaptient!
-I can see my hipbones better!
-I started drawing again but all I draw is skinny people... hmmm
-I almost have a complete gap between my thighs!

-I'm so fucking sick, I don't know what the fuck it is but this little monster is sickers!
-On the plus side it made me throw up.
-Plus side also: I don't have to eat still, and I skipped school!

-My chem grade dropped to a B+..
-I didn't workout yesterday cause I was so damn sick,
-I never have time to be with tyler.. I'm afraid he'll forget why we got together or something, or forget me.. we only see eachother for 4 hours then we go to bed pretty much. And financially we are so stressed. He works so hard, and provides for me. I love him for all his hard work. I need to find a way to prove it to him.

I gotta clean the apartment, and try to make my man super proud.. get all dressed up for him too. I also gotta do homework and pull all A's so that I can graduate college and get accepted to nursing school next year so that I can get a great nursing job so HE can kick his feet up while I provide for him and treat him like the Prince he is. I love you girls.. BTW I'll be posting new body shots on the 21st like I promised! Ribs and hipbones! we can only hope!
xoxoxoxo-bye bye monsters! TTYL


Oct 6, 2010

Haters make me Famous

I hate it when people are eitherjealous of hypocrites and become haters.
Well fortunately I'm fucked up enough to embrace haters.
They say shit like it's gonna phase me.
Once you start living your life by your own rules everyone else hates you for it.
Well fuck thier couch!
Stop Sippin on Your Haterade
-So you know how I told you all that I have a friend of mine who went anorexic and just got out of rehab right? Well the other day on facebook (root of all hating) I posted a status saying that I got a new dress, and I was a new size and it was a great day. Well she posts on it saying she really dislikes the new size and how there is no excuse for what I'm doing (so now everyone fkn knows about my ED) then I post back that she had no excuse either. She msg'd me all high and mighty fresh out of rehab saying how wrong I am and that she nearly died. I bitched her out saying that I've been in IP, support groups, etc and that she should know better than most that ED's aren't a game you can tap out of all the time. Then to make matters worse my old cheer partner commented on my picture saying i've changed (not for the good) because she thinks I'm too skinny and shit. Both of these girl used to rub it in my face about how perfect they were and now that I'm skinnier and happy they are haters! WTfuckityF!

Thin Talk Time

  • I found a dress on sale at H&M that was to die for! (only $15) but it only came in size sm, and xs. Tyler told me to try on the small (which i didn't want to do because when smaller sizes dont fit I wanna die) So I went to the dressing room and put it on, opened the door to show Ty and his jaw dropped! It fit perfectly! and DAMN does it look good!
  • Just liquids..
  • I'm sick (yay! that sounds fucked up i know but I always loose weight when I'm sick!)
Let's Get Physical
  • Went to the gym yesterday and worked out from 10:30- 12:30, then an excersise class till 1:30!
  • 6 Miles on the cycle
  • 2 Miles with the arm chest press cycle
  • Hip inductions, inner and outer
  • Quads and arms
  • Ciruit Training class (all cardio, part kick boxing, part pilates part bootcamp!) for one hour straight including a thirty minute intense ab workout! Then walked two miles with my new bestie.
  • Tanned for 20mins in the new sun angel tanning bed. Walked another two miles. :)
-Now im sore and sick. It's gonna be water, fresh fruit smoothie, and broth for me today ;)

-My new bestie is amazing! Let's call her Lena. (from Sisterhood of the Traveling pants lmao) Anyways she's a bitch just like I am! We both: have military beaus, brunette, hate cellulite & both love working out and staying thin! She's not ana, but she's def got some tendencies. We tan together, thin talk and pretty much rule. Lena is the athletic body type, not muscular but you would think that she does track. I think she said she's 127 lbs & a size 3/5 almost just like me although she is tinier in curves but she is also taller I think. Girls, do you know what this means?! It means I'm getting a perfect body (eventually!), have perfect man and a perfect new bestie!

-Oh and I aced those fkn tests so I'm a perfect student too! Now just to get to 115 before the year ends!!! I love you girls! xoxoxo stay strong, stay thin and stay BAD!



Please keep me motivated!!!

Oct 3, 2010

Another Goal Met

*Queue Rocky Theme Music*
(da da da da da, da da da da da, da da da da da da da da da DA DAAAAAA danananana NA dunna Da!)

Okay before I get to the great news I wanna take a moment to appreciate Sylverster Stallone.
How many men his age are as amazing as him?! None. He is ROCKY.
(If you haven't watched the movies you are either un-American or you live in a cave.) 
Watch Rocky V... Then wait for your mouth to water. I have the sickest fetish for Sylvester Stallone, his voice, his body.Tyler knows how bad I want to bang rocky. ;)
Anyways here are some drool worthy pics..of course dolph is in one!!

Awww YEA.

*Another Goal Met*

Yesterday I was wearing my new size seven denim jeans. Those are the ones that a week weeks ago were snug
(but they are like 100% denim, no spandex!)
Anyways I was wearing them and I had a pair for size five jeans in my closest that I wore the end of my freshman year that are also thick denim (beautiful jeans!) And every month or so I try to squeeze in them. In march I couldn't get them over my thighs, last month I got them over my thighs but they would pass over the badonka donk and they were painfully strangling my thighs.. I thought I'd never fit into them again. But they are GREAT thinspiration and I hate the scale.. I'd rather make my goal pant sizes.  

SO yesterday I tried them on, they SLID over my thighs easily, then over my fat ass and ALMOST could zip them up! OMG OMG OMG! I was smiling my ass off! Tyler said he was proud because he knew that I was working really fucking hard to lose another pant size. Well I was still sad that they didn't quite fit so I took them off and started to fold them....
That's when I noticed the most spectacular thing!
The tag on the inside said SIZE 3!
I thought they were size five for some crazy ass reason!
-Which means I'm a size 5 right now! 
-Which means I'm the same size that I was when I was a sophomore!
And being so close to a size three! 
OMG I almost started crying!
Monsters, do you know what that means?! That means that since March I've gone down 4 pant sizes!
I need to water fast or something.. I'm so close!