Sarcasm, Eating Disorders, College Life, and everything else.. Oh and for those who hate cursing.. Fuck you. Just kidding.. But seriously.

Oct 9, 2010

Spinning Clouds..please read

When you were a kid did you ever lay down on a merry-go-round
and let someone spin you...just watching the sky spin around
feeling gravity cuddle you while you let the world finally
catch up with your thoughts?

-This is how I feel when I go through certain sequnces of my life.-
Last night my ex was calling Ty's phone to get ahold of me. I ignored it.
When I went to check the number I saw that there was an outgoing call on
Ty's phone to that girl he works with that I don't trust.
spinning spinning spinning
My heart hurts. I feel sick. I'm pissed. No! Wait..Be cool!
So I take a shower so I could have a meltdown without him knowing.
I was standing in the shower crying and gasping.
My mind was on the merry-go-round.
spinning spinning spinning
Sobbing "Is he cheating on me?! I told him to get away from her!!"
"No Tyler loves you! She is just a coworker and she's nasty!"
I'm         washing      down           the               drain.
I'm fucking useless. He deserves better. Does he know it?

Spinning Panic Spinning
"Wait it makes sense! She's nasty, I'm nasty! maybe he likes nasty bitches."
Grab the shampoo bottle and ram it against my body harder and harder!
"Stop it! You are doubting an amazing man" Please let me get off this  
FUCKING merry-go-round is no longer merry goddamnitt!
I dropped the bottle and used my fists to punch stupid fucking self.

Silence. Towell. Laptop. Act normal.
"Tyler go away!"  He leaves the room hurt. I won't tell him what's wrong.
Silent tears. This towell is pointless. Tyler tries to talk to me.
I become rude. He begs me to talk to him. I'm fucking busy hating myself.
I push him away. He packs a bag and leaves.
I shrivvel on the ground heaving, I haven't eaten in days.

I'm empty. Completely
I get dressed. I'm going to leave. He's better without me.
All I take with me is my bones, his worn out work shirt that I love.
His cold dog tags in my pocket. I head to the door ready ...
To dissolve into the night. He's knocking.

Knocking, spinning, my love
My man comes in and and calms me down. He takes his warm hands up.
So big and soft like the clouds spinning by. He reassures me...holds me.
The gravitational pull is stronger than this cold earth, and it brings me back.
I know he would never cheat. He explains: she called to get a coworkers number.

The merry-go stops. I loose my footing and fall. dizzy tiny dancer.
Then he picks me up and wraps my legs around him. One hand in my hair..
One holding me close to him. He lays me down gently, and tucks me in.
Choking back tears he kisses me on the head. I whisper "I'm sorry."
looking away.Ashamed.
"I'm sorry I'm so sick like this babe, I love you" those hands hold my cheek.
"Hey.." he sighs  "Show me those brown eyes" I look at him afraid of seeing 
dissapointment, but I saw a smile and green eyes that twinkled.
"You're my girl baby doll. My one and only. No matter what right?"
 He stares at me completely pure and whispers
"If you leave, I leave. Everything together right?"
 I kiss him.
The spinning stops.


Everything Else.
I broke my fast of 4 days today.
I started a partial period today..And am in pain.
I have bruises from last night.
Sorry it's depressing I promise I'm better now.
I can see 4 ribs. (amazingly considering I'm bloated)
I need to be 115.. but how will I even know if I fear the scales...
Tyler thinks I'm 125 (which i think is crap! I feel like a whale)

I love him so much. Nothing Is better.
                Simply the best.








9 comments:

  1. ohmygosh. This actually made my eyes tear up a little bit. That never happens.

    you've got a keeper. hold on tight!

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  2. Wow! What an amazing boy you have right there. This made my heart melt like wax. Stay strong, hun.

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  3. I agree with Ash- he sounds gorgeous! Stay with him!
    Nice work on the ribs :) I'm jealous! Stay strong xxx

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  4. omg that read like the script from an upcoming blockbuster romance movie. absolutely love it! tyler still sounds (as he always does) amazing.
    feel better and stay strong beautiful xxx

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  5. well he seems pretty darn LOVELY <333
    and you havent eaten in days? (i know that probably wasnt the intended focus on the story) but WOW great job!! i bet you look so great
    i hope you're alright
    crying in the shower is something i am all too familiar with... :)

    xoxo

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  6. OMG! That's so sweet! You're so lucky :#)

    Glad you're better now. Arg: periods suck ass. Well, not ASS...

    Stay strong love <3

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  7. Hey girly, everyone has meltdowns. Don't you worry about it. Boys like that are amazing because they understand and love yah anyways. You are clearly amazing or else you wouldn't have another person who cares about you so much (or a ton of people on here who care about you too)

    I doubt things like that too, its hard to feel adequate sometimes so I've got where you're coming from.

    Chin up! Im glad youre feeling better.

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  8. Amazing post. You write so well, gorgeous.
    He sounds lovely. He obviously cares about you so much.
    <3

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