Spinning Clouds..please read

When you were a kid did you ever lay down on a merry-go-round
and let someone spin you...just watching the sky spin around
feeling gravity cuddle you while you let the world finally
catch up with your thoughts?

-This is how I feel when I go through certain sequnces of my life.-

Last night my ex was calling Ty's phone to get ahold of me. I ignored it.
When I went to check the number I saw that there was an outgoing call on
Ty's phone to that girl he works with that I don't trust.

spinning spinning spinning

My heart hurts. I feel sick. I'm pissed. No! Wait..Be cool!
So I take a shower so I could have a meltdown without him knowing.
I was standing in the shower crying and gasping.
My mind was on the merry-go-round.

spinning spinning spinning

Sobbing "Is he cheating on me?! I told him to get away from her!!"
"No Tyler loves you! She is just a coworker and she's nasty!"
I'm         washing      down           the               drain.
I'm fucking useless. He deserves better. Does he know it?

Spinning Panic Spinning

"Wait it makes sense! She's nasty, I'm nasty! maybe he likes nasty bitches."
Grab the shampoo bottle and ram it against my body harder and harder!
"Stop it! You are doubting an amazing man" Please let me get off this  
FUCKING merry-go-round is no longer merry goddamnitt!
I dropped the bottle and used my fists to punch stupid fucking self.

Silence. Towell. Laptop. Act normal.

"Tyler go away!"  He leaves the room hurt. I won't tell him what's wrong.
Silent tears. This towell is pointless. Tyler tries to talk to me.
I become rude. He begs me to talk to him. I'm fucking busy hating myself.
I push him away. He packs a bag and leaves.
I shrivvel on the ground heaving, I haven't eaten in days.

I'm empty. Completely

I get dressed. I'm going to leave. He's better without me.
All I take with me is my bones, his worn out work shirt that I love.
His cold dog tags in my pocket. I head to the door ready ...
To dissolve into the night. He's knocking.

Knocking, spinning, my love

My man comes in and and calms me down. He takes his warm hands up.
So big and soft like the clouds spinning by. He reassures me...holds me.
The gravitational pull is stronger than this cold earth, and it brings me back.
I know he would never cheat. He explains: she called to get a coworkers number.

The merry-go stops. I loose my footing and fall. dizzy tiny dancer.

Then he picks me up and wraps my legs around him. One hand in my hair..
One holding me close to him. He lays me down gently, and tucks me in.
Choking back tears he kisses me on the head. I whisper "I'm sorry."

looking away.Ashamed.

"I'm sorry I'm so sick like this babe, I love you" those hands hold my cheek.
"Hey.." he sighs  "Show me those brown eyes" I look at him afraid of seeing 
dissapointment, but I saw a smile and green eyes that twinkled.
"You're my girl baby doll. My one and only. No matter what right?"
 He stares at me completely pure and whispers
"If you leave, I leave. Everything together right?"
 I kiss him.

The spinning stops.

Everything Else.
I broke my fast of 4 days today.
I started a partial period today..And am in pain.
I have bruises from last night.
Sorry it's depressing I promise I'm better now.
I can see 4 ribs. (amazingly considering I'm bloated)
I need to be 115.. but how will I even know if I fear the scales...
Tyler thinks I'm 125 (which i think is crap! I feel like a whale)

I love him so much. Nothing Is better.
                Simply the best.