Sarcasm, Eating Disorders, College Life, and everything else.. Oh and for those who hate cursing.. Fuck you. Just kidding.. But seriously.

Oct 17, 2010

The Frost

It's finally chilly all over Virginia, I noticed as I drove tyler to work and my vision was blurred by the frost on the windshield. We, Tyler and I had a talk last night because he wanted me to eat. So I broke my fast, of what five or six days? (I agreed to eat with him this weekend, and keep it down but when I say I'm full he can't pressure me to eat more.) So it was low cal, high protien. Salmon fillet over a green salad and acai juice. I managed to eat half the salad and almost all the salmon but on the last bite I envisioned fat and nearly choked gagging. He looked at me, knowing better that to say anything. He just takes my plate into the kitchen. We talk about my eating disorder which is a very uncomfortable subject to him.

He sighed and said, "I know you do this because you want to be thinner."
I told him that he doesn't get it, but he swears he does..
No he doesn't! I told him it's not even the fact that I love being skinny, it's the fact that even if I wanted to be a "healthy weight" aka fat, that I still couldn't eat normally. I'd still count every calorie, over exercise and look in the mirror 100 times a day. I told him I couldn't help it. I pulled out my Wintergirls book.

He promised me that he'd read it. Maybe he'll understand more if he researched a little.

He held me tight and told me that I've gotten really tiny. He asked if I can see my weight loss. I said that I did.. A little bit. For example I explained:
-On friday I sat down at the desk and rested my arms on the table but it hurt so bad because my elbow bones were digging into the table top..
-Whenever he hugs me I feel like my ribcage is going to break in half.
He said he thinks I probably weigh 123lbs... I started laughing (which hurt his feelings and I appologigized) But that weight sounds ridiculous to me. 123?! I wish.. But I'll never know untill I get the courage to get on the scales.

Thin Talk
-I can see 4 ribs, but my stomach isn't flat enough so I've decided to add running and crunches every morning if I can.
-Tyler walked passed me as I hopped out of the shower and said "Omg, babe you're so tiny"
-Those size three pants I was telling you all about well... I got them on, zipped them up and buttoned! But they are super tight! (so maybe tyler is right I was about 120lbs when I used to fit into those jeans)
-I'mma start fasting again on monday hopefully, I gotta make sure I don't have any tests first.

Response Time
-WWoof sounds amazing! where the fkk do I sign up!
-I don't think I've ever had a traumatic experience with gnomes but they are fucking terrible!
-I have msn, and face book, and skype and what not.. If you wanna chat that'd be great. I really don't care who finds out about my ED or this blog really..because I'm a little monster and I can do whatever the fuck I want so if you wanna add me its fine just lemme know :)
-I love you girls so damn much! I hope you all know that I'm truly sorry that I don't comment on all your blogs, I do read them all the time and comment at least every other day!!
-Hey there are like 5 new followers so welcome little monsters, tell me to follow your blog if i haven't yet so that I can :)
-thanks for the compliments, especially about the drawing. I don't really draw although I really used to love it and paint..But a couple years ago I lost myself and the talent for it.. I'm trying to pick it back up though.

Thinspo Time


  1. it's sweet that tyler cares so much but i guess it gets frustrating when he's interrupting what you need to do to reach your goals. stay strong and keep it up beautiful xx

  2. Yea, I agree with Amy. But sounds like your making progress, and that's great :) (almost) Size 3!! Woot! Stay strong hun <3

  3. Wow, great thinspo! And I love the way you write your blog kind of like Wintergirls :D I love it!
    Um, you're probably deff in the 120's or even lower if you're wearing a size 3. :) You should find out for us so you can be our inspiration! :D

    All my love,


  4. Tyler should defs do some research. I find it annoying when people say they understand when they clearly don't. I love that he keeps mentioning how tiny you are!!

  5. I cant imagine telling my boyfriend about this, its brave of you to tell Tyler. Im afraid if my boyfriend found out he wouldnt want to deal with me and all of my problems anymore.

  6. Tyler sounds like he's trying to be there for you- I'm sure you guys will work everything out :)
    Nice work on the size 3's!! Keep up the great work xxx

  7. congrats on the fast!!!!! you are so fucking good at it! I fucking hate my bulimia.... wish i could fast like i used to... like you do. :( xoxoxoxoxo hugs babe and please stay safe

  8. I love your blog! I just love the layout. If I had enough motivation I would steal it haha.
    Tyler sounds so sweet though with him trying to be there for you. It's always nice when someone who knows is nice.

  9. Cute post. And great thinspo, as always. :)
    Tyler sounds so lovely.

  10. Good idea giving him Wintergirls--I know a few people who have read that and said it gave them a totally different perspective on eating disorders.

  11. love the thinspo and it is sweet that he cares but i know its frustrating when they pretend to get it
    i wear a size 3 comfortably and im at 110
    i started to fit them again at like 115
    so ur probably under 120 by now :P