Sarcasm, Eating Disorders, College Life, and everything else.. Oh and for those who hate cursing.. Fuck you. Just kidding.. But seriously.

Nov 11, 2010

I want bones. warning*

The last 48 hours have been such hell.
I'm OCD and it requires a lot of energy to do regular activities because
                             I get so fkn stupid over them..
I've gotten less than 4 hours of sleep each night for the past two weeks.
Little to no food.
It's draining me, making me better, killing me, skinnier, stressing me out.

People ask me what do I want out of all of this.
All the pain, stress, starving, OCD..
I'll tell you. This. Is. What. I. Want. Need.

I want skin on my bones.
I want him on my skin.
I want a smile on his face.
I want me on his mind.
I want all A's.
I want to be friends with the scale.
I want to be tiny.
I want everything to be perfect.
I want to be envied, hated, loved, noticed but left alone.
Want is a lie.
Want is a disguise I tell people.
Want is really Need.




Updates:

-I'm gonna starve.
-I will do a tips page
-I need help.. I don't want it.
-I'm really overwhelmed....


I
                                  want
the
               pain...dissapointment
to                                              be like
         my 
heart                       and
 just
                      fucking

stop.







I NEED TO BE SKINNY GODDAMNITT! DOESN'T ANYONE UNDER$TAND ME! MY WHOLE WORLD HURTS BECAUSE I'M FAT.


10 comments:

  1. I understand. A part of me always feels like that. Hang in there!
    XX Sarah

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  2. i get it hun. i really do.
    keep smiling and stay strong x

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  3. I know how you feel. Get some sleep. Sleep always helps...
    xoxoxo

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  4. why is that your posts always just speak to me so much!

    i love every post u write and the way u write it and everything

    i think ur an amazing soul! and i know how ur feeling and i believe with my whole hear that you'll get there! ull get all that you want and need in life

    -hapiness <3

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  5. i totally understand & feel the same way-- especially the pain. <3 For me, sometimes it's just an ache, but it gets louder and worse and it's like a scream in my ear sometimes.
    stay strong
    xo,
    K.

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  6. We understand you. We understand your pain and the need to be skinny. The need to be perfect. Hang in there, we are supporting you and care for you. *Hugz*

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  7. Hang in there!
    Your posts are so deep and emotional, and so very creative. I adore reading through them.
    I know what you mean with OCD. I had daily routines and all that from age 7, up until I went on anti-anxieties at age 18. Now, I have no compulsions or anything. :) I'd recommend meds if it's making your life hard.
    Love you, beautiful.
    <3

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  8. shit babe... i know exactly what you mean... I hope you are feeling happier by the time you read this! As for tips, i love them... its a good idea... anyone whos against it can FUCK OFF! LOL XOXOXOXOXOXO luv ya girl

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  9. I hope you find a way to beat this.

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  10. you are doing so well, but I guess we all feel the same way, escpecially the scales going up. I couldnt have phrased that better myself.

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