Controlled

Some things were meant to be controlled...

but not me.

Ty and I officially broke up. We were faking happiness..me more than him.
As the summer dwindles to a halt the bitterness of forgotten memories accompanies the frigid bite from winter which slowly creeps in.

One year and 7 months....gone
We had a good run. I love him so much.

I'm thinking of moving...maybe florida or New York.. I need to up-root

I cannot be chained or harnessed...Tyler learned that.
And I, I cannot change others...even if it is for the better. I learned that.

                                 I'm gonna marry the night and make love to the stars.

I've given up on earthly items...I'm living my life now.

Being a Stripper

Thank you all for the generous compliments on my last post and pictures!

I haven't read everyones blog lately because Ty and I are having some serious problems.
Ever since he cheated/lied last November I've had trust issues..and he's only slipped up a couple times but forgiving him has taken a lot out of me.

We are very different and I've changed a lot to make his life comfortable.
I'm not complaining because I love him but I feel so miserable at times.
I was so upset that last week I started looking at new housing..started thinking I'd leave him.

Sometimes I feel like I give and give...

So last night my bestie wanted to go to a local strip club in order to get a job there..
(She's a stripper at another club but needs something closer to home.)
And we decided to make a night of it.. The bestie, me and Ty went to the club.

We tipped the strippers and we were there for a few hours.
Ty had never been to a strip club...but let me make more sense of this...
This was NOT a strip club..its a go go bar. So in essence they are pole dancers in bikinis.. never nude.
The dancers don't have private VIP rooms and they dont do peek shows and there is no touching policies.
Ty was always skeptical and I had told him long before that I wanted to be a go go dancer.
When my bestie started being an actual stripper I was jealous. She had a job that didn't interfere with her taxes and finacial aid.

Ty and I struggle with bills although he'd never tell me....
I know he wishes I had a job but I just can't. I barely get enough in student loans to cover my schooling and having a job would remove my grants.. I'd have to drop out.

Schooling is the most important thing to me and my family.

There are things I need that Ty can't give me and I dont have the money for.
I need to get a car, doctors appointments, school books, a new laptop.
So go go dancing seemed like a great option to me... the club is very nice and respectable.
You work for tips but if I try to save up I could stay in school and get the things I need.

Ty had a great time at the club and saw how harmless that place is..
He loosened up, tossed ones, blushed and even had a favorite.
I didnt get jealous I know that its harmless.
When my bestie *Lena went to get a application Ty knew I wanted to do it too
so he told me to go fill out an application and he trusted me.
I went to the bar with Lena and filled out the application. The owner immediately liked us.

Ty was next to me and Lena the whole time while the manager talked about an audition..

The audition is tonight.

Once we got home Ty's smile and easy-going habit had faded.
He looked hurt and angry. He told me he didn't want me to do it and made me feel like shit.



I was confused. Why would he tell me to apply then use it against me later?
I feel like he wanted to embarass me by asking about a job and then telling me no so i'd have to go throught the embarassment of explaining to my bestie and the owner that i can't do it.

Eventually he came around and said I can do it...but it feels like a trap.
He's doing it to make me look like a low life and leave me.

I never do things for myself.

He hates me.

I should just leave him now and beat him to the punch.

What do I do?

I am disgusting

I'm so ugly and fat. I deserve to die..

whale whale whale

Im a goddamn sea creature.

I hate myself once again.

I'll explain later...

I'm worthless...I'm just another fat girl in a fat world wishing she could find hope within hipbones.

I'm so ugly and fat. I deserve to die.



What's Eating Me?

FML

I'm fat.

No Control

Fkn Loser.

FAT FAT FAT

One min I see bones the next its covered in fat. There must be a short in my brain circuits..

I look at the noodles in my hand from the top ramen I saw...it seeped through my eyes.

I feel ok till I am in the examining room shower.
               My body is like a sponge. It gets larger in water.

note to stupid self... don't go swimming till I'm 90pounds.

I want cocaine.... worked for lindsay right? Well I'm a broke college kid.
I have caffiene tabs... tons. they suck.
I had the whole week off and I'm still too tired.

4 weeks and five days till 2011...
I swore to myself that I wouldn't be fat over 115 by the new year.
and it remains true...

125-115= 10lbs... 

125-110- 15 lbs

125-100= heaven=25 lbs

I must.

I must.

decrease this crust.

This crust of fat and lard.

This disgust of my crust makes me lust for a thinner more beautiful

me.

I must....

I stepped on the scale.

I did this for you little monsters.. seriously. All the comments from you girls made me do this.. Like I owed it to you. 

So I stepped on the scale (at night with three cups of tea and a 1/2 sweet potato in me) I watched the little dial increase like slices on my wrist..

___________________________ Slice

________________________ Slice

_____________________Slice

__________________Slice

124.6

5'7''

9.4 lbs to lose. FML!

I want bones. warning*

The last 48 hours have been such hell.
I'm OCD and it requires a lot of energy to do regular activities because
                             I get so fkn stupid over them..
I've gotten less than 4 hours of sleep each night for the past two weeks.

Little to no food.

It's draining me, making me better, killing me, skinnier, stressing me out.

People ask me what do I want out of all of this.
All the pain, stress, starving, OCD..
I'll tell you. This. Is. What. I. Want. Need.

I want skin on my bones.

I want him on my skin.

I want a smile on his face.

I want me on his mind.

I want all A's.

I want to be friends with the scale.

I want to be tiny.

I want everything to be perfect.

I want to be envied, hated, loved, noticed but left alone.

Want is a lie.

Want is a disguise I tell people.

Want is really Need.

Updates:

-I'm gonna starve.

-I will do a tips page

-I need help.. I don't want it.

-I'm really overwhelmed....

I

                                  want

the

               pain...dissapointment

to                                              be like

         my 

heart                       and

 just

                      fucking

stop.

I NEED TO BE SKINNY GODDAMNITT! DOESN'T ANYONE UNDER$TAND ME! MY WHOLE WORLD HURTS BECAUSE I'M FAT.

I'm like Fuck this shit BEOTCH.

Sorry I've kinda sucked at postin but I have a lame fuckin test on monday :(
I've been starving so well. I usually eat 50 cals till I about 4pm, and then maybe 100-400 depending on whether tyler is watching me. 

Today I haven't eaten a thing! HAHAHA fuck you fat!

 If fat was a person I'd be the one standing over it's bloody scared bruised body saying 

"FUCK YOU I run this town bitch! "

I didn't get the job I wanted but fuck it. 
Yes I'm in a "fuck" mood so if you are curse sensitive, go fuck your couch. lmao

 
Yea well I finally have a routine group of friends at school... one is a really cool fit chick who has an awesome attitude, loves sarcasm and is just as much of a bitch as me about some things lmao, the other chick is laid back and the tattoo'd rocker girl. I adore them both! 

I knew me and the first girl would be immediate friends when we were sitting next to each other and I saw some girl's cellulite thighs that literally made me gag. She was like "what's wrong" and I told her "I'm a super bitch for saying this, but that girl across the row has the most disgusting leg cellulite ever." and she looked and nearly threw up too. She was saying how much she hates cellulite and fat and loves working out. (we're a match made in heaven!lol)
Yes I have cellulite too, but dear god! This girl had cellulite dips in her thigh that could probably hold a golf ball! She was wearing tiny little shorts! How can you do that!?! Gah I have very unnoticeable cellulite and I could never wear short shorts! 

I just guzzled down a salt water flush mixture so yea...
I wanna skip school tomorrow
I haven't worked out enough to mention so I'm probably going to tomorrow...
FML I'm stressed out, and I've missed you all! You girls are the most precious little monsters.
Xoxoxoxo 


I'm ending my evening with about 130 liquid calories...  

Stay Strong, Stay beautiful, and STAY BAD!

 

I'm Spiraling...

Yesterday was my Tyler day... it went great. I took him shopping and he bought some of the hottest outfits I've ever seen (who knew he had such hot style?!) I mean I saw him try them on and immediately went into monster mode ;) And I went shopping too...not a lot though, just some panties, and long sleeve shirts (for winter) and some new work out tenni-shoes, and two pairs of jeans.. I had to almost squeeze into the hollister size 7's..my ass is having a war with them.. but they are size seven! I want to be a size 5 before the month is over... I know I should be proud to be a 27-29 & a 7... because I used to be a size 30(womens) 9-11 (juniors) in april..but then at the mall I went to Papya and I tried on a pair of 7's that were too tight! I almost cried right there... I immediately regretted the 400 calories I had uptil then... FUCK I was so depressed the rest of the night. All that went through my head is "ok, I'm not gonna eat for 10 days!" I know how tyler hates when I'm depressed about my fat..so I hid it deep down inside.

I'm so fucking huge, and ugly and gross...
I wanna starve to death or rip out large chunks of fat from my skin and show my body who's boss...
I'll read everyones blogs and leave tons of comments because I might not post for awhile.. I just had breakfast while writing this... I have to go purge.

I love you girls... stay strong for me.. I feel like a huge let down!

FML- I hate myself.

Help Me

Girls,

I'm sorry it took me so long to write comments on your blogs and read them all. And sorry I haven't posted recently I'm just so stressed. I know you all don't want to hear about the neatives in my life but I'm going to list some anyways just beacuse I need to write something. I promise to end on a good note though ;)

So this is what's been stressing me out:
-College (It's a little overwhelming right now)
-My Dad is dying.. His hearts failing and he needs a transplant.
-My favorite brother hasn't talked to me in forever... I miss him so much
-Money..Although my mom sent me some money to help me.
-Tyler.. It's not him exactly that is stressing me out but this last week has been the worst in our ENTIRE relationship. I don't know why but we get into more fights, haven't been as loving and passionate. He works all day and I have school all day so I know it's because we are both tired and stressed.
-My weight...Even though I know I've kept off all the weight that I've lost I still need to lose 20 pounds.
-Me. I just feel like by going to school I'm neglecting Tyler. I know all he wants is my love and attention but I have so much to do.. I love him so much. Everyone put in a little wish that me and Tyler work it out! :)

 Positives in my life:
-I was told by the only good looking guy in my socioloy class that I had stunning looks!
-I have the world's best boyfriend!
-My Glamor magazine came in the mail, and it's the largest issue in 20 years!!
-My school got canceled today because of the Hurricane! ( don't worry i'm fine!)
-My best friend might move in with me, but its a big "might"
-I have a job interview in a week! (wish me luck!)
-I get to see Kesha next month!
_________________________________________________________________________
Okay so I love all of you and Ava... you rule! I wish all of us little monsters could live together and be equally and beautifully fucked up. LMAO. I really need you guys. You keep me sane!

OH SHIT! I ALMOST FORGOT!!!!

-I met a girl in my chemistry class who's PERFECT! She must be 97pounds of perfection! 

Perfect Skin, Perfect Hair, Perfect Style! And I think she's anorexic.. In a sick way I hope she is so that we can become besties! I don't think she's Ana just because she's skinny but I watched her down a water bottle in class, and proceed to chug another one down! Then I saw her working out when I was, then we both took the same exercise class..She obviously doesn't need to lose weight but she definietly thinks so!