Pure as bone..

I've been on the merry go round again.

Lost my footing and fainted....

Although the concert was still pumping through my veins,
Tyler and I were arguing and cold to each other. The next day was even worse..
I got home early.-Too cold and too weak to stand and wait for the bus so I called a cab.
The driver was sweet.
Graying middle aged man who talked about how the area once was a dark ghetto...
He had a five o-clock shadow around his face and neck like a prickly scarf.
He rambled about how much he loved his wife..

I immediately thought of Tyler.

We had argued all day...and then I got home. The door was locked.
We never lock the door. So I knocked and he opened the door.
After a few seconds of us not talking to each other I notice a cab parked in front of my apartment.
The same cab-graying middle age man, over weight, kind smile behind glasses.
Then sprinting out of our building goes a girl with a short blond pony tail.

Shake, shiver.. I need to throw up.

I think it's her.. The girl from Tyler's work... the one that is always ruining my life!
I keep calm. I call my mom. She tells me terrible things. "It's all your fault"

I can't catch my breath. 

Tyler doesn't care because I accused him of cheating and he swears he didn't.
"There isn't even a blond girl in our damn apartment!"- I scream
The thoughts seep out like jelly when there is too much in your sandwich...
sitting there taunting me.

Slow jelly drips...

I stay calm as we scream at each other. I run a bath.. the last bath I'll ever take.
Open the Tylenol bottle?
Nah, Tried it..It ruins your organs and I hate getting my tummy pumped.. 
Been there done that.. Not fast enough.
We are in two separate worlds as I prepare to end mine.
I grab a cocktail dress. One that makes me feel beautiful.
The bracelet my mother gave me, a pack of starburst and a coke and set them by the tub.
I slip on my dress and turn on the song my mother always did when she lost all hope.
I shut the bathroom door and grab a razor. In my dress I climb into the bath.
No tears, no fear. I whisper my prayers. Eat a starburt, sip some coke and listen.

"I can't be cheated on." "I can't keep assuming stuff and hurting Tyler"

"I can't keep disappointing my mother" 

So I've decided to end it. I grab the razor. It's been so long since I cut I need practice.

Slice. Slice. Slice. Slice. 

Four bleeding cuts on my thighs.

In my thoughts- I've always wanted to die warm, pretty, and with comfort food, not alone...
Well I was alone in the bathroom.. but I can deal with that.
I pull the blade to my wrist. Left or right? Left. Definitely left. I'm fatter on my left side.

Slice. Slice. Slice-just getting warmed up. The opening act. 

Slice. Slice. Slice.- Dimming the lights.

They are calling my name like an encore...Waiting for me to hit the stage with a center light.
I press the razor down and the blood starts.. just need to drag it.

The curtain raises.. Red.

Only it's not a curtain... It's Tyler opening the door. "What are you doing"
I tell him calmly to leave.. I'm taking a bath.
He almost leaves.. I can't pull the trigger with him in the room.
He questions some more till he pulls back the curtain.

Technical Difficulties folks, the show will go on. Rest assured ladies and gents.

Yells, tears, question-His not mine. I am calm in my pink bath. I tell him I'm sleeping.
Yells, tears, questions-His not mine.

I tell him I'm going to a party. A birthday party. It's my birthday.

Total Breakdown, anger, tears-His not mine.
He tells me to get out of the tub or he's calling 911.
He pulls me out of the tub after nearly an hour of refusing to listen to him.
I lay down on the bed. He sits on a chair and we talk.
He reminds me my mom is a drunk and is an angry lady. she does this to me all the time.
He reminds me that yes he lied to me once, but never again. And has never cheated.
He told me that if I kill myself we would to.

"Everything together, right?"

He swears that no matter what he'd love me...he'd never let me go.
No matter how fucked up I am.
We cry and talk and hold each other. We take a nap.

We wake up and make some dinner..then lock eyes so in love.
So passionate for each others heart beat.

I graze his skin and it begs for me. We kiss. 

Then he looks at the blood stained wrists and his green eyes grow envious..
He doesn't want death to touch me. Only he can touch me!
I wrap my arms around his whispering how much I love him.
We are in passionate tears. His arms sail around me, pick up my thighs and carries me.
Kissing and crying he floats me into the bedroom..
We have the perfect storm in the sheets. Painful and beautiful. Tears and Kisses.
That was yesterday..
It's today, and today is a different day.
We slept in. I fixed him breakfast.We watch a movie, take a shower, talk about everything. 
We watch "what's eating you" he says he promises to try to know more about ED's
instead of just getting mad about them. he's nearly halfway through wintergirls. 
We are beaming with smiles..so happy so in love.
He kisses my wounds with neosporin.
I let him read a few of my blog posts and comments.. 
He says to thank you girls. 
He knows you guys are my diary life line..little angels under the clicks of my keyboard.
We are having an amazing day. 

I'm starting another fast on Monday. 
A special fast! The longest I've ever gone was 11 days. I want to beat that! I will beat that.
I want at least 2 weeks..  (hopefully 30 days!) Tyler promised to help me do it, but if I get sick he will end it immediately. I agree. My new bestie Lena has finally hit 116. She wrote me today bragging about perfectly fitting into her new size three pants. I tell he to fuck off lmao.. she knows its sick that we compete for it.
But she knows I'm only a few step behind her and soon we will be perfect skinny best friends!
I vowed to enter the new year as AT LEAST a perfect size three.
I will do it. I will finish this fast. I will be skinny. I want to be 115lbs.
I'm on top of the world and I'm happy right now.
Response-
Bonnafied- I'm not a veg.. I love animal bi-products way to much lmao Also I wish peanut butter was zero calorie...
Mich-When you said steak was carb free I nearly cried from happiness!
Happiness-I want 115 so bad! When you said I'm prolly 120 I nearly cried of happiness!

-The Ke$ha concert was amazing.. she came out in this 80's looking rock star IDGAF outfit and beat a glitter covered drum like to "Party at a Rich Dudes House". She shot glitter guns in the crowd, beat the shit out of a dinosaur pinata, did a cartwheel, kissed a bouncer, crowd surfed and was amazing!

Before and Afters/Kesha

Gah I'm $uper $tressed out there is so much to do! I fasted yesterday and 

I have to eat today because tonight is the ke$ha concert (yayayaya)

I want to be awake for it! 

I promise to party hard!

Cover myself in glitter...thin $parkly glitter.

BTW I fucking love ke$ha..because her IDGAF attitude is wonderful lol especially when I'm pissed off. 

-I have to much homework... too much fat. 

But... A promise is a promise and I'm posting my before and after pics... 

IDK if there is a difference. I'll leave it up to you little monsters to decide. 

The before pics were in july/aug... when I got back to my fat weight (14ish),

since I went home and my mother shoved food down my throat took care of me, 

and then the car crash and I was bed ridden for three weeks! (no exercise FML) 

The "afters" are an hour ago.  -excuse my hair I just woke up! lmao.

BEFORE (fat..notice my arms...gross... no hips bones..collar bones or ribs)

I'm so sorry if you guys are getting grossed out about these... :( FML










Afters ( 10/21/10) at least I see some bones... but still seems pointless.

I used to fill this bra to the brim.. now is lose and awkward..

bunz

without a dout my fave..love the collar bones

grrr i want more ribs!

still have the "donut" belly. at least the thighs dont wobble as much...

 

So girls, I'll read and comment all your blogs later and tell you how the concert went.
Tell me about my Before and Afters..be 100% honest please...
And in my next blog I'll answer everyones q's from the last post.. love you all.
and I super miss you guys!!!

Short Post

I ate a steak last night.... Yea you guys can thank tyler for that.
I think I hate my ex, he's being a greedy person and rude...Thank god I have tyler.
Tyler is being amazing and we are getting along perfect.
I'm waging war with myself..... I might just win.
                  I need to sew my lips shut.

I want to be frail. I want perfect grades. I want food. I want to be thin. I want to be pretty. I want to be strong. I want my mommy. I want to be envied. I want to be unique. I want to be happy. I want to make myself proud. I want to be a size nothing. I want...No I need those things. 

I feel like I'm nothing special.. 

I'm just another girl, another student, another daughter, another starver, another molecule swimming in this universe.

Like I promised I will show before and after pics on Thursday and I will read ALL your blogs tonight! 

Good luck babes :) 

The Frost

It's finally chilly all over Virginia, I noticed as I drove tyler to work and my vision was blurred by the frost on the windshield. We, Tyler and I had a talk last night because he wanted me to eat. So I broke my fast, of what five or six days? (I agreed to eat with him this weekend, and keep it down but when I say I'm full he can't pressure me to eat more.) So it was low cal, high protien. Salmon fillet over a green salad and acai juice. I managed to eat half the salad and almost all the salmon but on the last bite I envisioned fat and nearly choked gagging. He looked at me, knowing better that to say anything. He just takes my plate into the kitchen. We talk about my eating disorder which is a very uncomfortable subject to him.

He sighed and said, "I know you do this because you want to be thinner."
I told him that he doesn't get it, but he swears he does..
No he doesn't! I told him it's not even the fact that I love being skinny, it's the fact that even if I wanted to be a "healthy weight" aka fat, that I still couldn't eat normally. I'd still count every calorie, over exercise and look in the mirror 100 times a day. I told him I couldn't help it. I pulled out my Wintergirls book.

He promised me that he'd read it. Maybe he'll understand more if he researched a little.

He held me tight and told me that I've gotten really tiny. He asked if I can see my weight loss. I said that I did.. A little bit. For example I explained:
-On friday I sat down at the desk and rested my arms on the table but it hurt so bad because my elbow bones were digging into the table top..
-Whenever he hugs me I feel like my ribcage is going to break in half.
He said he thinks I probably weigh 123lbs... I started laughing (which hurt his feelings and I appologigized) But that weight sounds ridiculous to me. 123?! I wish.. But I'll never know untill I get the courage to get on the scales.



Thin Talk
-I can see 4 ribs, but my stomach isn't flat enough so I've decided to add running and crunches every morning if I can.
-Tyler walked passed me as I hopped out of the shower and said "Omg, babe you're so tiny"
-Those size three pants I was telling you all about well... I got them on, zipped them up and buttoned! But they are super tight! (so maybe tyler is right I was about 120lbs when I used to fit into those jeans)
-I'mma start fasting again on monday hopefully, I gotta make sure I don't have any tests first.

Response Time
-WWoof sounds amazing! where the fkk do I sign up!
-I don't think I've ever had a traumatic experience with gnomes but they are fucking terrible!
-I have msn, and face book, and skype and what not.. If you wanna chat that'd be great. I really don't care who finds out about my ED or this blog really..because I'm a little monster and I can do whatever the fuck I want so if you wanna add me its fine just lemme know :)
-I love you girls so damn much! I hope you all know that I'm truly sorry that I don't comment on all your blogs, I do read them all the time and comment at least every other day!!
-Hey there are like 5 new followers so welcome little monsters, tell me to follow your blog if i haven't yet so that I can :)
-thanks for the compliments, especially about the drawing. I don't really draw although I really used to love it and paint..But a couple years ago I lost myself and the talent for it.. I'm trying to pick it back up though.

Thinspo Time

You Are Not Alone/Thinspo

Thank you!
I want to let you all know that because of what you said and some Michael Jackson magic (I'll explain later) that I am staying with Tyler because I know everyone makes mistakes. He is sorry, He does love me, and we are working hard to get back the trust. So I'm much better now and the relationship recovery begins.

Michael Jackson Magic

-This is pretty much directed towards billiejean because she is as crazy about MJ as I am, but it will also show you guys how dead serious I am about Michael! So the other night I went to pick up tyler when he got off duty (he's in  the navy) I was still undecieded about trusting him ever again and felt so alone.. then I got in the car and turned on the radio. Michael Jackson's "You are not Alone" was playing and the lyrics spoke to me and reassured me the MJ was always watching me and saying that Tyler was the right choice. It sounds crazy to you guys but I believe In MJ.

Thin Talk

-So I've successfully fasted for 4 whole days now, I had two days over the last weekend where I ate because I was depressed (ugg I know) but since then NO FOOD! not even a crumb!

-I took a lax last night (TMI WARNING) and It grinded my gears all morning, I was so sick :(

-Yesterday I worked out for 3 solid hours (on no food!) I biked 5 miles, did weights and abs and elliptical, and treadmill then my circuit training class (which burns 1000 calories an hour)

-My calorie intake waas like negative 2000 or some awesome bullshit.

-My new bestie IRL, Lena, is just like me and skinny obsessed. She wanted to try lida so I gave her a pack (dont worry I made her research it first and gave her the Low-Down)

Tyler Talk

Tyler's Grandma passed away and he's been so down lately... R.I.P

-His other grams (we call her nan) she chatted to me on facebook and asked how we were doing. And she told me that she quote- "I know he is just crazy about you. He's my favorite grandson and since when he loves he really means LOVE" she also told me that his pappy was so mad that Tyler broke my heart that he's gonna kick his butt. She went on to tell me all the great things Tyler has told her about me. Which was so sweet and surprising because I didn't know that he told her that much about me. Tyler loves his family, and it's obvious he wants me to be a part of his forever.

 I do truly love him.

My Phobia- Dedicated to SickBitch

So I laughed so hard when I saw that you were terrified about worms, but then again I was being a TOTAL hypocrite lmao. I know how hard it must be when people think you're weird because your phobia... but don't! I have a "odd phobia" too. I'm terrified of Garden Gnomes.. I mean  I won't date a guy who has one in his yard lol I won't walk down a street with them and I can't watch Wallace and Gromit because I scream. And due to the fact that the Travelocity has Gnomes as a mascot I can't watch the Amazing Race... or TV most of the time.. They are fucking terrifying.

-Once, three years ago my so called bitch of a friend thought it would be jolly fun to put a little gnome in my mail box (she lived next to me) and after school we walked home together and I always check the mail well... surprise SUR-FUCKING-PRISE I put my hand in and there was the GNOME! I screamed so fkn hard I went to my room and turned on all the lights, hid under my covers and cried. She laughed her ass off for a fkn week. I refused to check that mailbox for at least a month or two.

Personal Thinspo Time

I've always wanted to be someone else's thinspo, so these are all pictures of my, except the drawing.. I drew that. lol

These pics are almost a week old.. but tell me what you think!







My pink studded monster shoes and those are BAGGY (yay) size 7 hollister denim jeans (no spandex blend crap)







A Picture I drew a couple weeks ago.

 

 





This is me outside my apartments



IDK if you guys like the FUCK YOU type of thinspo but this was over the weekend and it's me.



My legs and the ever growing gap between my fat ass thighs..



Love the way you LIE

Thank you. Each and every one of you who was kind enough to give me support. I'm sorry for not commenting on your blogs, I tried to read as many as I could today and comment.. if you don't see one for your most recent check the one before it because I go back and read them before getting to the new ones.

So I'm exhausted... 
I've cried all I can possibly cry and I'm starving myself so that I can focus better. 

The day before yesterday I caught Tyler in a lie.
A lie that was small but was a branch connected to a whole tree of lies.
This lie wasn't a white lie.. It was dirty and covered in filth. 
He lied to me while staring me in the eyes.. 
Those beautiful fucking green eyes locked into mine and lied.
He lied about stupid shit all because of that stupid bitch he works with.
When he begged and cried all I could say was:
"I hope she's worth it"
He didn't touch her, he just lied for her.
I called her bf and he is just as hurt and surprised.
At least Tyler isn't cheating..but since I have to take his word for it 
I'm getting check up to make sure I didn't catch anything... just in case.

What hurts the most is that the same morning I found the lie I had woken up crying because
I had a nightmare that Tyler cheated on me.. And he held me and told me it was just a dream 
and that he'd never hurt me.
He swore he's 100% faithful and honest, and the last thing he wants is to hurt me. 
I was comforted because HE told me it would be ok.
Then later that night I finally followed my gut.. and listened to myself.. 
Those times where the bad thoughts trail through my brain (like the post before last)
turns out that is my gut trying to wake me up with the truth.
So I stayed in the shadows till I found the lie. 
I confronted him.
He told me it was me being crazy again.
Lies, more Lies..
I tell him that this is the first time that I don't believe you.
He says he can't take that I don't trust him anymore, he's had it!

"Where you going?" 
                           "I'm leaving you!"
"No you ain't come back!"

We're running right back-Here we go again...
It's so insane! Cause when it's going good...It's going great!
He's Superman with the wind at his back  and I'm his Lois Lane
But when it's bad It's  fucking awful. He made me feel so ashamed 
(of doubting him and I was right all along!)

You ever love somebody so much
I can BARELY breathe When I see him
We met And neither one of us even know what hit 'us
 Had that warm fuzzy feeling,Yeah them chills, I still get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick Of looking at  him!
He swore he'd never wrong me, Never do nothing to hurt  me
Now we're in each other's face, Spewing venom And these words
When we spit 'em, I  push, Pull my hair, Scratch, claw, bit 'me
Throw myself down In tears
So lost in the moments When you're in 'em. It's the rage that took over
It controls your heart!
So they say it's best to go your separate ways, guess that they don't know me
Cause it's today
That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
We Sound like broken records Playin' over
But HE PROMISED ME
And Next time I'll show some faith
Trust don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
  Tyler lied again
If only I had the strength to walk away..

I'm stayin with him. He appologized, and I know he meant it...
It's going to be forever till I can touch/trust/understand him completely again.
I love him.. What can I say.... I'm broken. Please talk to me Grils..
I'm not eatin... still.

Lies... sorry

 Sorry I haven't commented.. I'm busy hurting myself and crying.
My gut was right
Tyler was lieing....  I'm leaving him now... I've cried all my fluids out. I cant do this anymore... I'll write you all later.. I'm sorry for not commentin..

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High of a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer
I sufficate
And right before im about to drown
She resuscitates me
She fucking hates me
And I love it
Wait
Where you going
I'm leaving you
No you ain't
Come back
We're running right back
Here we go again
It's so insane
Cause when it's going good
It's going great
I'm Superman
With the wind in his bag
She's Lois Lane
But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills
Used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom
And these words
When you spit 'em
You push
Pull each other's hair
Scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down
Eminem Love The Way You Lie lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/eminem-love-the-way-you-lie-lyrics.html
Pin 'em
So lost in the moments
When you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over
It controls you both
So they say it's best
To go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today
That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
Sound like broken records
Playin' over
But you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Spinning Clouds..please read

When you were a kid did you ever lay down on a merry-go-round
and let someone spin you...just watching the sky spin around
feeling gravity cuddle you while you let the world finally
catch up with your thoughts?

-This is how I feel when I go through certain sequnces of my life.-

Last night my ex was calling Ty's phone to get ahold of me. I ignored it.
When I went to check the number I saw that there was an outgoing call on
Ty's phone to that girl he works with that I don't trust.

spinning spinning spinning

My heart hurts. I feel sick. I'm pissed. No! Wait..Be cool!
So I take a shower so I could have a meltdown without him knowing.
I was standing in the shower crying and gasping.
My mind was on the merry-go-round.

spinning spinning spinning

Sobbing "Is he cheating on me?! I told him to get away from her!!"
"No Tyler loves you! She is just a coworker and she's nasty!"
I'm         washing      down           the               drain.
I'm fucking useless. He deserves better. Does he know it?

Spinning Panic Spinning

"Wait it makes sense! She's nasty, I'm nasty! maybe he likes nasty bitches."
Grab the shampoo bottle and ram it against my body harder and harder!
"Stop it! You are doubting an amazing man" Please let me get off this  
FUCKING merry-go-round is no longer merry goddamnitt!
I dropped the bottle and used my fists to punch stupid fucking self.

Silence. Towell. Laptop. Act normal.

"Tyler go away!"  He leaves the room hurt. I won't tell him what's wrong.
Silent tears. This towell is pointless. Tyler tries to talk to me.
I become rude. He begs me to talk to him. I'm fucking busy hating myself.
I push him away. He packs a bag and leaves.
I shrivvel on the ground heaving, I haven't eaten in days.

I'm empty. Completely

I get dressed. I'm going to leave. He's better without me.
All I take with me is my bones, his worn out work shirt that I love.
His cold dog tags in my pocket. I head to the door ready ...
To dissolve into the night. He's knocking.

Knocking, spinning, my love

My man comes in and and calms me down. He takes his warm hands up.
So big and soft like the clouds spinning by. He reassures me...holds me.
The gravitational pull is stronger than this cold earth, and it brings me back.
I know he would never cheat. He explains: she called to get a coworkers number.

The merry-go stops. I loose my footing and fall. dizzy tiny dancer.

Then he picks me up and wraps my legs around him. One hand in my hair..
One holding me close to him. He lays me down gently, and tucks me in.
Choking back tears he kisses me on the head. I whisper "I'm sorry."

looking away.Ashamed.

"I'm sorry I'm so sick like this babe, I love you" those hands hold my cheek.
"Hey.." he sighs  "Show me those brown eyes" I look at him afraid of seeing 
dissapointment, but I saw a smile and green eyes that twinkled.
"You're my girl baby doll. My one and only. No matter what right?"
 He stares at me completely pure and whispers
"If you leave, I leave. Everything together right?"
 I kiss him.

The spinning stops.

Everything Else.
I broke my fast of 4 days today.
I started a partial period today..And am in pain.
I have bruises from last night.
Sorry it's depressing I promise I'm better now.
I can see 4 ribs. (amazingly considering I'm bloated)
I need to be 115.. but how will I even know if I fear the scales...
Tyler thinks I'm 125 (which i think is crap! I feel like a whale)

I love him so much. Nothing Is better.
                Simply the best.



Skinny, Sick, Sad

Lovelybones- Ha ha ha  I loved you comment..It's so true and I'd love to say that to someone!

Skinny

-I'm slowly shrinking but I'm so damn imaptient!
-I can see my hipbones better!
-I started drawing again but all I draw is skinny people... hmmm
-I almost have a complete gap between my thighs!

Sick

-I'm so fucking sick, I don't know what the fuck it is but this little monster is sickers!
-On the plus side it made me throw up.
-Plus side also: I don't have to eat still, and I skipped school!

Sad

-My chem grade dropped to a B+..
-I didn't workout yesterday cause I was so damn sick,
-I never have time to be with tyler.. I'm afraid he'll forget why we got together or something, or forget me.. we only see eachother for 4 hours then we go to bed pretty much. And financially we are so stressed. He works so hard, and provides for me. I love him for all his hard work. I need to find a way to prove it to him.

Today

I gotta clean the apartment, and try to make my man super proud.. get all dressed up for him too. I also gotta do homework and pull all A's so that I can graduate college and get accepted to nursing school next year so that I can get a great nursing job so HE can kick his feet up while I provide for him and treat him like the Prince he is. I love you girls.. BTW I'll be posting new body shots on the 21st like I promised! Ribs and hipbones! we can only hope!
xoxoxoxo-bye bye monsters! TTYL

Thinspo