please stop the train

i think it's time i leave again.
i've been here far too long
i'm growing attached to people and places
i think im hurting again

I can't stay in one place too long...I'm thinking of moving out of the country...where is a good place?

i'm hurting again
tyler is hurting me.
i feel caged

I Feel So Alive

"Everyday is a new day
I'm thankful for
Every breath I take
I won't take you for granted (I won't take you for granted)
So I learn from my mistakes
It's beyond my control
Sometimes it's best to let go
Whatever happens
In this lifetime
So I trust in love (and so I trust in love)
You have given me
Peace of mind

I feel so alive
For the very first time
I can't deny you
I feel so alive
I feel so alive
For the very first time
And I think I can fly"

I find this feeling to be so very alien.. I'm used to logging on to blogger so depressed and one minded but now I feel changed. Not changed in the sense that I've become something different but that my outlook has improved.

Since I started pole dancing I've filled some sort of void- and since I've moved here I havent had many friends. It's been a life of solitude for the past two years... A shell shock experience for me because I was so used to be surrounded by people who loved me, both friends, and family. Now that I dance, I have friends again: other dancers, bouncers, waitresses and customers.

 I'm happy again.

It's going to sound corny but being an exotic dancer saved me. I actual have fun.

Like real fun.

I don't have to fake smiles, laughs, or even care about what I eat.

I don't starve myself anymore, and it's not because I don't want to be tiny, trust me I do...it's just I know I burn so many calories at work that I never worry. That and I have no time for binging or time to think about it. Another way I was saved by dancing was that the men who come and watch me dance seem so mesmerized by my body that I feel like I have something to be proud of.

Every single night there is a guy there who practically begs me to date them or insists that I get their number.

It's flattering to say the least.

Here is something very serious...something that I guess did change me...

I've noticed that some of the men that go are extremely unattractive and middle aged but they come up to me and buy me a drink and just talk. They aren't there to get some ass they just want someone to talk to them and make them feel beautiful on the inside..It hurt me to realize just how judgmental I've become. The inside is what matters most.

 They are just as beautiful as anyone else.

You, my little monsters, are all beautiful.

Now that the seriousness have been discussed here is the fun O.M.G segment.

O.M.G

The section fucking awesomness.



•  OMG- I get paid nearly $1,000 dollars a week tax free dancing part time.
• OMG- I just went shopping bought my bf shoes, me shoes, a thriller jacket, jeans, three shirts for Ty, one for me, dinner and a movie, got my nails done, got Ty's hair done all on what I made this first week and I still have so much money left.
• OMG- after an amazing weekend me four guy friends, Ty and another dancer went to IHOP restruant at 4am then went home and got drunk...
• OMG- I get to dance to Michael Jackson, wear glitter, have the swagger of Ke$ha, and get hit on...for a living.
• OMG- Ty and I have incredible sex on the nights he sees me dance.

And that my lovely ladies is the conclusion.

I love you all so much! Stay Classy!



 



Dollar Bills and Sweat

To repeat what I said last post: you girls fucking rule.

The acceptance I feel from you all makes me so happy!

Since none of my readers are pole dancers let me make a little list of slang words.

It's Pole Dancer Dictionary Time!

Make it Rain- means a man throws a fist full of cash on you when you are dancing.
Make it Thunder- man throws so much cash it covers the whole stage
Gogo Dancer- A dancer who dances, usually on a pole, for cash but does not strip, she is covering all major areas: tits, ass crack, vajayjay.
Hustle the floor- talking to the customers between sets to try to get them to buy you: drinks, gifts, tip more, and buy private dances.
Floor Work- dancing the the floor of the stage, shaking your ass, spreading your legs, crawling sexually, and winking at tippers.
Sets- The time you are dancing..usually 1-4 songs.
Butterlying- sewing the back of your panties to make them smaller..looks like wings,
Pole Tricks- being on the pole and acrobatically manuevering yourself around it to fascinate the crowd.
Cashing In- Taking your ones to the bar and exchanging them for bigger bills.

So tuesday will make it a full week of stripping..and im up to about $400 dollars in tips. Although I took two days off...

So i've worked 4 days... about 100$ a night on average.

I'm having a great time.. I love the girls there and the atmosphere. I think working there is helping me so much.. The money isn't the best part of working there.. you have men buying you drinks all night, telling you how beautiful you every night and you get to dress up and dance your ass off.


True enough you do get a heinous amount of bruises
                           but for 100$ a night who wouldn't endure that?!

Another plus side is that I work nights... so 10-2 im working I get home and clean up, go to bed...wake up, get ready and go back to work. I have no time to eat a ton! I eat less than "normal" and work out more than I ever have. The celllulite in my legs is almost gone! its amazing!


I have a regular now ;) He's this buff puerto rican from New Jersey lol he always spends at least 50$ on me a night.


Hopefully I'll buy those red pills again and lose more weight... I'm tone now but I want to lost ten more pounds...just in my stomach lol.


There is a dancer there who is wonderfully tiny... I envy her body. and she's had kids! she is like 90lbs... love her!

Anyways I've got to do laundry :)

And yes I'll post pics of my outfits soon!

Pole Dancing Queen

You girls fucking rule.

I did it.. I did the audition and was hired on the spot!

I'm a regular now! I'm officially a Showgirl, a Pole Dancer, an Exotic Dancer!

Let me say something on behalf of pole dancer..they deserve so much more respect than they get.
After my first night (walked out with 80..worked on stage a total of 30 mins lol) I was sore as hell.
I literally felt as though two big strapping black men beat the shit out of me with two by fours. Its been over 24  hours since my last set and I still feel terrible.It's the most grueling workout I've ever done.

But there are results immediately...other than pole bruises and bright purple bruises on my knees from floor work,,,but im tone and tight with sexy legs unveiling themselves.

The girls there, for the most part, are great.



My first actual set on my first song some guy made it rain on me... I mean literally.
And after all the years of hearing pop songs sing about making it rain on a stripper or in the club I never got it...but once I felt a dozen ones shimmer down my body I understood why they write songs about it.
It's an amazing feeling because not every girl has gotten rained on so when you do..you feel special.

Later after my set I went backstage and changed and hustled the floor..just chatting up the men, so I talked to the "rain maker" guy and he told me I had the best body of any girl at the club :) that made me a happy little monster.



So after all was said in done I made about 80 bucks my first day (but I had to  pay the house fee and tipp the DJ) Went home tired as a dog and ironed my cash.

-Ty loves it now..he went and watched me dance and thought it was sexy as hell that I could arouse every man there and go home with him.
I'm his private dancer.

Seriously we fucked on a Charlie Sheen status the night he saw me dance.



So I've got to get ready.. I work 10pm-2am tonight.

Straighten my hair, get dolled up..roll in a pool full of glitter..the usual.. lmao

I love this job...I work so much that I don't have time to eat and if I did I'd work it off easily.
Plus..as you girls know.. I love glitter and I get to wear it for work..and heels and flirt and let guys buy me drinks all night long :) Hehehe I'm a happy little monster!

Btw my Stage name is Diana...



Being a Stripper

Thank you all for the generous compliments on my last post and pictures!

I haven't read everyones blog lately because Ty and I are having some serious problems.
Ever since he cheated/lied last November I've had trust issues..and he's only slipped up a couple times but forgiving him has taken a lot out of me.

We are very different and I've changed a lot to make his life comfortable.
I'm not complaining because I love him but I feel so miserable at times.
I was so upset that last week I started looking at new housing..started thinking I'd leave him.

Sometimes I feel like I give and give...

So last night my bestie wanted to go to a local strip club in order to get a job there..
(She's a stripper at another club but needs something closer to home.)
And we decided to make a night of it.. The bestie, me and Ty went to the club.

We tipped the strippers and we were there for a few hours.
Ty had never been to a strip club...but let me make more sense of this...
This was NOT a strip club..its a go go bar. So in essence they are pole dancers in bikinis.. never nude.
The dancers don't have private VIP rooms and they dont do peek shows and there is no touching policies.
Ty was always skeptical and I had told him long before that I wanted to be a go go dancer.
When my bestie started being an actual stripper I was jealous. She had a job that didn't interfere with her taxes and finacial aid.

Ty and I struggle with bills although he'd never tell me....
I know he wishes I had a job but I just can't. I barely get enough in student loans to cover my schooling and having a job would remove my grants.. I'd have to drop out.

Schooling is the most important thing to me and my family.

There are things I need that Ty can't give me and I dont have the money for.
I need to get a car, doctors appointments, school books, a new laptop.
So go go dancing seemed like a great option to me... the club is very nice and respectable.
You work for tips but if I try to save up I could stay in school and get the things I need.

Ty had a great time at the club and saw how harmless that place is..
He loosened up, tossed ones, blushed and even had a favorite.
I didnt get jealous I know that its harmless.
When my bestie *Lena went to get a application Ty knew I wanted to do it too
so he told me to go fill out an application and he trusted me.
I went to the bar with Lena and filled out the application. The owner immediately liked us.

Ty was next to me and Lena the whole time while the manager talked about an audition..

The audition is tonight.

Once we got home Ty's smile and easy-going habit had faded.
He looked hurt and angry. He told me he didn't want me to do it and made me feel like shit.



I was confused. Why would he tell me to apply then use it against me later?
I feel like he wanted to embarass me by asking about a job and then telling me no so i'd have to go throught the embarassment of explaining to my bestie and the owner that i can't do it.

Eventually he came around and said I can do it...but it feels like a trap.
He's doing it to make me look like a low life and leave me.

I never do things for myself.

He hates me.

I should just leave him now and beat him to the punch.

What do I do?

Nicki Minaj a` Trois

So I got bored and decided I wanted to play with my halloween idea to be nicki minaj..

So I made myself up to look like her..

What do you all think?

Embracing Bones

I sincerely want to thank all of you for your lovely comments...

especially from Ruby Love Bird and Helen, and Liz you guys are great.

You all are.

So lately (this last week) I've been on a carb binge...kind of. Just an unholy amount of cereal, cheeze nips and crackers but I think I'm passed it. -Still no purging which makes me very happy.

The sadness is creeping in again. Not sad for any reason really, and not sad enough to disable me, just sad enough for me to mentally sigh all day long. It kind of feels like when you have a crush and you can't get that person off your mind only you picture cold concrete stained with ciggarettes and bones filled with dust.

I had under 400 calories today.

I took two diet pills they are like cocaine you aren't hyper but you'd die if you had to sit still for a moment.
So I worked out in between thinspo fishing, my term for scouring the internet for thinspo.
Some days you don't catch a thing like there was an oil spill on the thin community, but today the fish were biting.

I'm planning on finishing off this bottle of diet pills before Friday and nibbling bits of food till then.Ty comes home and I promised myself I'd look perfect for him. I will. My fat ass and abs are sore from working them out too hard. It will be worth it when his large warm hands are on me.

Seriously his hands are greek god-like.

I have so much to say but I will scare you all off if I write too much...

I've never been very secretive from Ty just because I hate the feeling of isolating him but I'm going to diet more quietly.. I usually tell him everything about my habits but I think I can do better if he doesnt know.

100lbs 100lbs 100lbs 100lbs

wish.starve.wish.sweat.wish

100lbs 100lbs 100lbs 100lbs

Thinspo Time For My Sexy Monsters