You won't believe this...

When I chose this title I was aiming it at those who have followed my blog for quite some time.
The ones who know why I started a blog..sat at thier screen and saw me pour my heart out about my anorexia, cutting, self abuse, mental abuse, relationships and school...

Well, you truly wont believe this... I love my body. For the first time in my life I love it! It has flaws but it also has areas of perfection that I could not be anything more than greatful for!

My arms are sculpted and slender, my legs have no cellulite and tons of definition, I have ABS! And I still have big tits and ass!

I will never fit a size 1 but the girls who can fit a size one will prolly never fill out a 36D bra like I can...

Pole dancing saved my life...

NEWS FLASH ME

-I am still pole dancing and I love every second of it
-I have more friends! Granted they are pole dancers too
-I took a random road trip to georgia with Lena
-Tyler and I broke up, we still love each other but its over.
-I started my second year of university!
-I'm starting to be happier and happier
-I miss all of you!
-Yesterday I ate french fries and didnt think twice about it
-I made some bitch jealous..hahahaha suck it whore!
-bitter!

Controlled

Some things were meant to be controlled...

but not me.

Ty and I officially broke up. We were faking happiness..me more than him.
As the summer dwindles to a halt the bitterness of forgotten memories accompanies the frigid bite from winter which slowly creeps in.

One year and 7 months....gone
We had a good run. I love him so much.

I'm thinking of moving...maybe florida or New York.. I need to up-root

I cannot be chained or harnessed...Tyler learned that.
And I, I cannot change others...even if it is for the better. I learned that.

                                 I'm gonna marry the night and make love to the stars.

I've given up on earthly items...I'm living my life now.

Darkness Falls

Despite my new life of sexuality and empowerment I find myself hating my body and aching again.

Hungry not for food...A craving that I cannot fill.

skinny.thin.thin.thin.tiny.petite.bones.

emaciate me.

skinny.sickly.tiny.small

It happened slowly..all the girls I dance with are small..100-125 lbs maybe even smaller..
I am one of the three girls who are considered the biggest...I get paid as much if not more than the other girls but I hate being classified as the curvy one.. I have a small waist but huge hips and tits.

I am going to diet... or worse.
I need to lost ten pounds....

second star to the right

Thank you all for caring so much

 Ty and I had a huge blow out which made me think over my life.
Not it's worth but it's purpose. I fear as though I am missing out on something big sometimes.

Like this lifestyle is holding me back.

Yesterday was my birthday, I am officially 20 years old.

20.20.20.20.20

Wow I never wanted to be this old. Yes, I know it sounds stupid but all I ever wanted was to be a teen.
...afterall Peter Pan was my favorite story as a child.
My birthdays are usually terrible mind-fuck tradgedies of epic propotions... until this year!
It was something out of a movie....



MAGICAL Tale of My 20th BIRTHDAY

(ahhh fuck yea! glitter and tequilla!)

so early yesterday morning (noonish) I woke up to Ty telling my happy birthday then we cleaned up the apartment and he left to the DMV (department of motor vehicals oh who gives a fuck) I stayed home I cleaned the apartment in preparation for the following night.. Ty gets back around 3-4 and we go get his ID card, junk food, and liquor! Now after returning and preppipng the apartment I go off to work. I get there are 7pm (more like 7:30 but it was my bday I can be late...) And the girls lead me inside... The ENTIRE club is decorated with streamers, confetti, and baloons! Everyone is wishing my happy birthday and sneaking me some shots of liqour back stage. Once work picks up around 11pm everyone is there tipping me and parting for me it was great. Then the DJ calls everyone off the stage and they sit me, with my tiara and wand in a chair on the stage next to a pole and makes the girls give me dances while everyone cheers, and sings happy birthday. Next, one of the girls brings up a cake with the 20 candle and the whole club says HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU SEXY BITCH! while I blew out the candles!!

 It was awesome. After work we all headed back to my apartment and that when the fun happened..

We got in, put on the music and started drinking...there must have been 12 -15 people ( I can't remember) there we baked the pizza's took shots, released my bunny, danced, traded clothes, played poker..Some people fucked in my bedroom, Tyler puked in the bathtub, I puked in a trash can.. over all it was a huge success. In the morning (1pm) most of the people were gone, my mirror was broke in half, two cups are missing and a cup I have never seen was in  my sink, one of my friends shirts was in the kitchen and I was on the couch. I don't remember much but it was awesome. So I finally did it, I had a great birthday once and for all. Kesha would be proud.





please stop the train

i think it's time i leave again.
i've been here far too long
i'm growing attached to people and places
i think im hurting again

I can't stay in one place too long...I'm thinking of moving out of the country...where is a good place?

i'm hurting again
tyler is hurting me.
i feel caged

I Feel So Alive

"Everyday is a new day
I'm thankful for
Every breath I take
I won't take you for granted (I won't take you for granted)
So I learn from my mistakes
It's beyond my control
Sometimes it's best to let go
Whatever happens
In this lifetime
So I trust in love (and so I trust in love)
You have given me
Peace of mind

I feel so alive
For the very first time
I can't deny you
I feel so alive
I feel so alive
For the very first time
And I think I can fly"

I find this feeling to be so very alien.. I'm used to logging on to blogger so depressed and one minded but now I feel changed. Not changed in the sense that I've become something different but that my outlook has improved.

Since I started pole dancing I've filled some sort of void- and since I've moved here I havent had many friends. It's been a life of solitude for the past two years... A shell shock experience for me because I was so used to be surrounded by people who loved me, both friends, and family. Now that I dance, I have friends again: other dancers, bouncers, waitresses and customers.

 I'm happy again.

It's going to sound corny but being an exotic dancer saved me. I actual have fun.

Like real fun.

I don't have to fake smiles, laughs, or even care about what I eat.

I don't starve myself anymore, and it's not because I don't want to be tiny, trust me I do...it's just I know I burn so many calories at work that I never worry. That and I have no time for binging or time to think about it. Another way I was saved by dancing was that the men who come and watch me dance seem so mesmerized by my body that I feel like I have something to be proud of.

Every single night there is a guy there who practically begs me to date them or insists that I get their number.

It's flattering to say the least.

Here is something very serious...something that I guess did change me...

I've noticed that some of the men that go are extremely unattractive and middle aged but they come up to me and buy me a drink and just talk. They aren't there to get some ass they just want someone to talk to them and make them feel beautiful on the inside..It hurt me to realize just how judgmental I've become. The inside is what matters most.

 They are just as beautiful as anyone else.

You, my little monsters, are all beautiful.

Now that the seriousness have been discussed here is the fun O.M.G segment.

O.M.G

The section fucking awesomness.



•  OMG- I get paid nearly $1,000 dollars a week tax free dancing part time.
• OMG- I just went shopping bought my bf shoes, me shoes, a thriller jacket, jeans, three shirts for Ty, one for me, dinner and a movie, got my nails done, got Ty's hair done all on what I made this first week and I still have so much money left.
• OMG- after an amazing weekend me four guy friends, Ty and another dancer went to IHOP restruant at 4am then went home and got drunk...
• OMG- I get to dance to Michael Jackson, wear glitter, have the swagger of Ke$ha, and get hit on...for a living.
• OMG- Ty and I have incredible sex on the nights he sees me dance.

And that my lovely ladies is the conclusion.

I love you all so much! Stay Classy!



 



Dollar Bills and Sweat

To repeat what I said last post: you girls fucking rule.

The acceptance I feel from you all makes me so happy!

Since none of my readers are pole dancers let me make a little list of slang words.

It's Pole Dancer Dictionary Time!

Make it Rain- means a man throws a fist full of cash on you when you are dancing.
Make it Thunder- man throws so much cash it covers the whole stage
Gogo Dancer- A dancer who dances, usually on a pole, for cash but does not strip, she is covering all major areas: tits, ass crack, vajayjay.
Hustle the floor- talking to the customers between sets to try to get them to buy you: drinks, gifts, tip more, and buy private dances.
Floor Work- dancing the the floor of the stage, shaking your ass, spreading your legs, crawling sexually, and winking at tippers.
Sets- The time you are dancing..usually 1-4 songs.
Butterlying- sewing the back of your panties to make them smaller..looks like wings,
Pole Tricks- being on the pole and acrobatically manuevering yourself around it to fascinate the crowd.
Cashing In- Taking your ones to the bar and exchanging them for bigger bills.

So tuesday will make it a full week of stripping..and im up to about $400 dollars in tips. Although I took two days off...

So i've worked 4 days... about 100$ a night on average.

I'm having a great time.. I love the girls there and the atmosphere. I think working there is helping me so much.. The money isn't the best part of working there.. you have men buying you drinks all night, telling you how beautiful you every night and you get to dress up and dance your ass off.


True enough you do get a heinous amount of bruises
                           but for 100$ a night who wouldn't endure that?!

Another plus side is that I work nights... so 10-2 im working I get home and clean up, go to bed...wake up, get ready and go back to work. I have no time to eat a ton! I eat less than "normal" and work out more than I ever have. The celllulite in my legs is almost gone! its amazing!


I have a regular now ;) He's this buff puerto rican from New Jersey lol he always spends at least 50$ on me a night.


Hopefully I'll buy those red pills again and lose more weight... I'm tone now but I want to lost ten more pounds...just in my stomach lol.


There is a dancer there who is wonderfully tiny... I envy her body. and she's had kids! she is like 90lbs... love her!

Anyways I've got to do laundry :)

And yes I'll post pics of my outfits soon!

Pole Dancing Queen

You girls fucking rule.

I did it.. I did the audition and was hired on the spot!

I'm a regular now! I'm officially a Showgirl, a Pole Dancer, an Exotic Dancer!

Let me say something on behalf of pole dancer..they deserve so much more respect than they get.
After my first night (walked out with 80..worked on stage a total of 30 mins lol) I was sore as hell.
I literally felt as though two big strapping black men beat the shit out of me with two by fours. Its been over 24  hours since my last set and I still feel terrible.It's the most grueling workout I've ever done.

But there are results immediately...other than pole bruises and bright purple bruises on my knees from floor work,,,but im tone and tight with sexy legs unveiling themselves.

The girls there, for the most part, are great.



My first actual set on my first song some guy made it rain on me... I mean literally.
And after all the years of hearing pop songs sing about making it rain on a stripper or in the club I never got it...but once I felt a dozen ones shimmer down my body I understood why they write songs about it.
It's an amazing feeling because not every girl has gotten rained on so when you do..you feel special.

Later after my set I went backstage and changed and hustled the floor..just chatting up the men, so I talked to the "rain maker" guy and he told me I had the best body of any girl at the club :) that made me a happy little monster.



So after all was said in done I made about 80 bucks my first day (but I had to  pay the house fee and tipp the DJ) Went home tired as a dog and ironed my cash.

-Ty loves it now..he went and watched me dance and thought it was sexy as hell that I could arouse every man there and go home with him.
I'm his private dancer.

Seriously we fucked on a Charlie Sheen status the night he saw me dance.



So I've got to get ready.. I work 10pm-2am tonight.

Straighten my hair, get dolled up..roll in a pool full of glitter..the usual.. lmao

I love this job...I work so much that I don't have time to eat and if I did I'd work it off easily.
Plus..as you girls know.. I love glitter and I get to wear it for work..and heels and flirt and let guys buy me drinks all night long :) Hehehe I'm a happy little monster!

Btw my Stage name is Diana...