Sarcasm, Eating Disorders, College Life, and everything else.. Oh and for those who hate cursing.. Fuck you. Just kidding.. But seriously.

Dec 19, 2010

I dedicate this to you. Read.

I've been getting around (slowly) to all of your blogs.. I've commented on 20 so far.
I'm dedicating this post to all of you; the wintergirls, the eaters, the bingers / purgers. To the girls crying because they ate lunch. I want you all to know that I seriously care about you, probably more than myself most people I know. I have so much to say so for the  less important stuff I'll briefly summarize:
-I finished the fall semester with a 3.00 GPA
-I moved into a larger apartment.
-My real life best friend is also anorexic. I love her. We are the wintergirls..
-I've pleatued. (in weight, life, everything...)
-I purchased Phenphederine.. from their website. (diet pills)
-I got the MJ experience game. :)
-I bought Unbearable Lightness...60 pages in today and I love it.


Today I feel like I need to tell you a story...Story isn't a great word because when you hear "story" you think it's make-believe. With pirates and fairies. I only wish this wasn't true.

This is a true story. 

On Friday I went to the mall with Ty and his brother to go Christmas shopping. When we were through we decided to eat. I stupidly thoughtfully suggested Johnny Rockets since Ty's brother *Jared* had never eaten there before. We arrive there and Tyler looks at me, with that "are you gonna be anorexic right now" look. I tell him I'll leave it at the door and be "normal". Jared doesn't know about my ED.
      So we order. My favorite burger in the world is at Johnny Rockets. The Smoke House Single.  I order it, with fries and a death peanut butter-chocolate shake. We all got the same thing except the boys got Smokehouse Doubles with twice the cellulite meat. I start to eat. 
Bite bite bite. *close my eyes* OMG it tastes so good.
Swallow.
Bite bite bite. Mmmm. (grab the lard shake) Guzzle.
About half way through the lard burger, I take another large bite when it happens;
As my teeth sink through the carb bursting buns and penetrate the bacon and sauce covered meat a single solitary drip of warm fresh grease slides down my bottom lip. 
*heart stops.throat tightens*
Anna grabs my throat constricting me. I can't breath. I start to gag. *close my eyes* 
Don't throw up! You are in a restraunt. Jared is right there stop it! Swallow and be fkn normal!
My brain is screaming at me, my heart is jumping wildly. I choke it down. Ty knows somethings up. He looks at me. I give him the "I'm so fat sorry" look. He holds my leg and whispers "it's ok babe" I smile. The fakest smile I have ever had. I take another bite they are watchin me. I hold my napkin to my mouth so they cant see my lips quivvering from pain and terror, then I hold a hand over my face as two silent tears roll down my face. I wipe them away quickly because the waitress is asking if we want anything. I wanted to scream at her for bringing this to me! Why you cold hearted bitch!? WHY?! I smile and say no thank you I am shaking.
I had eaten 85% of the burger and a glass of shake. I wanted to go throw up. I've thrown up in the bathrooms here before. But...I knew tyler would never forgive me. 
I didn't say one word till I got home.
I just cried in bed.
Never have I felt so pathetic. So worthless.

10 comments:

  1. i am so sorry :(
    anna is cruel at the worst of times
    because i eat so much less these days
    whenever i actually have a meal i end up in the bathroom for about ten minutes without ever taking laxies
    it awful
    and its embarassing
    but when we are the victors it will be worth it

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  2. oh.. i'm so sorry. so heartbreaking, i cried. but so familiar.
    but you are definitely not pathetic or worthless. never ever believe that.
    x xx, v

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  3. I hope your ok sweets, your not pathetic, your beautiful
    xxx

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  4. *hugs* i have been in a similar situation so many times before. But i am not as strong as you and usually purge. Its good Tyler is so supportive. take care. xo

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  5. I'm sorry, hun. Hope you're feeling better now. <3

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  6. that story chilled me to the bone hun. i'm so sorry you had to live through it. feel better soon and i'm sure you'll make up for it xx

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  7. Hello girls I was playing around with my blogger settings and I have accidentally deleted my whole blogging account and have had to create a new one!! If you could please support me and follow my journey and I will happily follow yours!!

    http://miss-bree-2011.blogspot.com/

    You can expect to see my daily intake, exercise, Thinspiration and a lot more =)

    Thank you girls

    “Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe.”

    Bree =)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hang in there. Life is not an easy journey as much as I want to say it gets better, it does not really. Each day is a struggle and we as human fumble. No one is perfect and if they are, they are not human. You are precious and not worthless.
    *hugz*

    ReplyDelete
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