Last Song

"Everybody needs inspiration,
Everybody needs a song.
A beautiful melody,
When the night's so long.
Cause there is no guarantee,
That this life is easy.

Yeah when my world is falling apart.
When there's no light to break up the dark,
That's when I, I, I look at you.
When the waves are flooding the shore,
and I can't find my way home anymore.
That's when I, I, I look at you."

I made my monster man watch The Last Song with me last night. :) I love Nicholas Sparks books, and I loved the movie. My monster tries to act like he doesn't get gaga for romance movies but he was smiling and blushing all throughout the movie! 

How fucking cute!

 

Thin Talk:

-I didn't work out but I walked like 5 damn miles lmao. 

-I had 2 rice cakes (100 cals) Some soda (100-ish) then I had a slice of cheesecake?! I know right?! wtf! Even though its wasnt huge it HAD to have been 400calories... FML.. So that means (rounding up!) 750 calories today... Fucking gross I know.

-Went tanning (looovvvee it) 

(FAT FAT FUCKING FAT)

I hate myself for being such a lard ass-

So one of my besties from a year ago JUST got out of rehab for anorexia.. I know it's super sick to say this but I was jealous of how thin she got... It was amazing to me. 

I was hella pissed at her because she's not fucked up, I mean she was a valedvictorian, played four intruments, spoke three languages, was GORGEOUS, rich parents who loved her, only child, well respected and super talented at everything she did.. But she never thought she was beautiful. I saw the signs of her gaining an eating disorder our senior year... but once we graduated and moved away from eachother I was in a recovery period she finally broke through and became anorexic. She went from a size 9, to a size 3 in less than 6 months..then a few months ago it was a size one (mind you she's 5'10) and passed out at the university gym... Then went to rehab.

I love her and I'm glad she recovered... I fucking miss her. You would love her!!

So I'm cleaning the FUCK out of my apartment because ty has been great to me, and I'm papmer myself and do my nails and hair and salon shit so that I look good for him. 

 

I feel so huge.. I looked at my arms and I'm certain they are the size of hippo.. My thighs are looking better and I'm so close to getting a gap. Luckily I can feel my hipbones and see my collar bones...but I know  

I'm still a huge fucking whale.. 

I told myself I'd stop once I fit into my size 7 jeans.. 

WHO THE FUCK am I KIDDING HERE!?

I'm not gonna stop.

I want size five...but I want size 3 even more... but I NEED size one.

Fuck.

P.S- I love the fuck out of you little monsters.. you and rice cakes keep me breathing!