Being a Stripper

Thank you all for the generous compliments on my last post and pictures!

I haven't read everyones blog lately because Ty and I are having some serious problems.
Ever since he cheated/lied last November I've had trust issues..and he's only slipped up a couple times but forgiving him has taken a lot out of me.

We are very different and I've changed a lot to make his life comfortable.
I'm not complaining because I love him but I feel so miserable at times.
I was so upset that last week I started looking at new housing..started thinking I'd leave him.

Sometimes I feel like I give and give...

So last night my bestie wanted to go to a local strip club in order to get a job there..
(She's a stripper at another club but needs something closer to home.)
And we decided to make a night of it.. The bestie, me and Ty went to the club.

We tipped the strippers and we were there for a few hours.
Ty had never been to a strip club...but let me make more sense of this...
This was NOT a strip club..its a go go bar. So in essence they are pole dancers in bikinis.. never nude.
The dancers don't have private VIP rooms and they dont do peek shows and there is no touching policies.
Ty was always skeptical and I had told him long before that I wanted to be a go go dancer.
When my bestie started being an actual stripper I was jealous. She had a job that didn't interfere with her taxes and finacial aid.

Ty and I struggle with bills although he'd never tell me....
I know he wishes I had a job but I just can't. I barely get enough in student loans to cover my schooling and having a job would remove my grants.. I'd have to drop out.

Schooling is the most important thing to me and my family.

There are things I need that Ty can't give me and I dont have the money for.
I need to get a car, doctors appointments, school books, a new laptop.
So go go dancing seemed like a great option to me... the club is very nice and respectable.
You work for tips but if I try to save up I could stay in school and get the things I need.

Ty had a great time at the club and saw how harmless that place is..
He loosened up, tossed ones, blushed and even had a favorite.
I didnt get jealous I know that its harmless.
When my bestie *Lena went to get a application Ty knew I wanted to do it too
so he told me to go fill out an application and he trusted me.
I went to the bar with Lena and filled out the application. The owner immediately liked us.

Ty was next to me and Lena the whole time while the manager talked about an audition..

The audition is tonight.

Once we got home Ty's smile and easy-going habit had faded.
He looked hurt and angry. He told me he didn't want me to do it and made me feel like shit.



I was confused. Why would he tell me to apply then use it against me later?
I feel like he wanted to embarass me by asking about a job and then telling me no so i'd have to go throught the embarassment of explaining to my bestie and the owner that i can't do it.

Eventually he came around and said I can do it...but it feels like a trap.
He's doing it to make me look like a low life and leave me.

I never do things for myself.

He hates me.

I should just leave him now and beat him to the punch.

What do I do?

Nicki Minaj a` Trois

So I got bored and decided I wanted to play with my halloween idea to be nicki minaj..

So I made myself up to look like her..

What do you all think?

Embracing Bones

I sincerely want to thank all of you for your lovely comments...

especially from Ruby Love Bird and Helen, and Liz you guys are great.

You all are.

So lately (this last week) I've been on a carb binge...kind of. Just an unholy amount of cereal, cheeze nips and crackers but I think I'm passed it. -Still no purging which makes me very happy.

The sadness is creeping in again. Not sad for any reason really, and not sad enough to disable me, just sad enough for me to mentally sigh all day long. It kind of feels like when you have a crush and you can't get that person off your mind only you picture cold concrete stained with ciggarettes and bones filled with dust.

I had under 400 calories today.

I took two diet pills they are like cocaine you aren't hyper but you'd die if you had to sit still for a moment.
So I worked out in between thinspo fishing, my term for scouring the internet for thinspo.
Some days you don't catch a thing like there was an oil spill on the thin community, but today the fish were biting.

I'm planning on finishing off this bottle of diet pills before Friday and nibbling bits of food till then.Ty comes home and I promised myself I'd look perfect for him. I will. My fat ass and abs are sore from working them out too hard. It will be worth it when his large warm hands are on me.

Seriously his hands are greek god-like.

I have so much to say but I will scare you all off if I write too much...

I've never been very secretive from Ty just because I hate the feeling of isolating him but I'm going to diet more quietly.. I usually tell him everything about my habits but I think I can do better if he doesnt know.

100lbs 100lbs 100lbs 100lbs

wish.starve.wish.sweat.wish

100lbs 100lbs 100lbs 100lbs

Thinspo Time For My Sexy Monsters



PMS(uicide)

I fear PMS will one day cause me to kill myself..
As I was updating my facebook this is what I was writing in my status...
knowing I could not post it i'll post it here.
No worries..I am not killing myself
At least not today.

I am thinking of killing myself. I am fat and disgusting. I no longer see a good reason to live. my life is merely a compilation of flesh and air..a construction that to me is not worth this type of pain. slice me open and release from pain. this life I can endure no longer. death take me lover and lets sleep forever in a bed 6 feet below thier feet.



Explanation

Thank you.... all of you.

 I had no idea I had followers that cared so much.

I've been a wreck lately just because:
A.) I feel like a fat failure
B.) My beautiful best friends looks a million times prettier than I will EVER be.
C.)  Finally and mostly, Ty is leaving for nearly a month out to sea.



Anywhoozle my 20th birthday is 29 days away (august 5th) and I'm sad about it. I never have good birthdays and I know most people say that but I'm dead serious when I say I NEVER have good birthdays... I'm not sad that my birthday is going to suck I'm sad because I will no longer be a teenager.

I know most people as children couldn't wait to get older and be an adult..

Not me.

I was so eager to be a teen and even happier to be one.
Being a teenager is perfect...you are old enough to know better and young enough to not give a fuck.
Like charlie sheen..only without the pornstars and wrinkles.

So about my best friend...She is natalie portman and I'm kim kardashian. Except reverse the roles. She is the pretty in pink glamour girl and I'm the art history major, book reading indie girl.
I feel so ugly next to her... It's not that she's smaller, she's only one size smaller but our body shapes are so different. Same height but she is small chested, small hips and southern bell face.. I'm large chested, large hipped, curvy ass, average face.

This is her:

This is me:



Two bodies of desire from men...but hers is the one I want.

FML

Since Ty is gone I will be hauling my fat ass to the gym and hopefully following the ABC diet.
Maybe a fast...
He comes back on the 26-27th by that time I will have gotten a sexier bod, had my nails done, hair done and went tanning. I want him to come home to see me perfect.

and he will.

I want to be perfect on my birthday.

I love you all. I truly do.

I am disgusting

I'm so ugly and fat. I deserve to die..

whale whale whale

Im a goddamn sea creature.

I hate myself once again.

I'll explain later...

I'm worthless...I'm just another fat girl in a fat world wishing she could find hope within hipbones.

I'm so ugly and fat. I deserve to die.



Failed

The day after the last post I got really sick..
Ty suggested I eat some soup..so I did and since I've been eating.
I feel huge and disguting.

I am pathetic.

Computer broke...

I'm still fasting but I got really sick after those laxies...

I probably shouldn't have taken six.

I had an unsweetened tea the next day to help so it wasn't water. :(

I've walked sooo much I'm sore and tired.

To top it all off Ty and I haven't been doing well.
I've been holding this relationship for a couple months.
He works everyday and when he comes hom he's so tired that
all he wants is to sleep, eat, shower and have sex.
Which is typical for men but I give so much that
I just want him to hang out or be interested in me..

I hurt.
My body hurts.
My heart aches.
I hurt.

Fasting day 4.

OMG I wanna die... I am feeling terrible..

Still going strong though..

I feel as though I've be pissing since I woke up...

Wish me luck! Tomorrow is the DREADED DAY 5!!

(Early morning June 24th)
-I don't know if it's safe to take laxies while fasting but I did. I feel like stuff needs to come out. My stomach is flatter today...I just wish my thighs would disappear. I'm feeling okay now... I was just so tired from day three. 
I feel fat. Starving is easier than feeling fat.

Fasting day 3. Short post again!

I am going strong! Yay! 

I actually thought it'd be terrible because I exerted SO much energy yesterday but I had a long nights sleep and woke up refreshed and not hungry!

I had some MAJOR hunger pains last night at about 7pm but they went away after 30 mins or so.

Thank you for the lovely comments and Thank you for complimenting my looks although I'm certain that girl is a million times more beautiful!

I don't think I'll be doing videos every day... they suck to upload but I want to do them every five days with weigh ins.

I love you all and thank you for supporting me through this fast! Next big mile marker is day five which is Friday and I'll be 1/6 of the way finished.