I Feel So Alive

"Everyday is a new day
I'm thankful for
Every breath I take
I won't take you for granted (I won't take you for granted)
So I learn from my mistakes
It's beyond my control
Sometimes it's best to let go
Whatever happens
In this lifetime
So I trust in love (and so I trust in love)
You have given me
Peace of mind

I feel so alive
For the very first time
I can't deny you
I feel so alive
I feel so alive
For the very first time
And I think I can fly"

I find this feeling to be so very alien.. I'm used to logging on to blogger so depressed and one minded but now I feel changed. Not changed in the sense that I've become something different but that my outlook has improved.

Since I started pole dancing I've filled some sort of void- and since I've moved here I havent had many friends. It's been a life of solitude for the past two years... A shell shock experience for me because I was so used to be surrounded by people who loved me, both friends, and family. Now that I dance, I have friends again: other dancers, bouncers, waitresses and customers.

 I'm happy again.

It's going to sound corny but being an exotic dancer saved me. I actual have fun.

Like real fun.

I don't have to fake smiles, laughs, or even care about what I eat.

I don't starve myself anymore, and it's not because I don't want to be tiny, trust me I do...it's just I know I burn so many calories at work that I never worry. That and I have no time for binging or time to think about it. Another way I was saved by dancing was that the men who come and watch me dance seem so mesmerized by my body that I feel like I have something to be proud of.

Every single night there is a guy there who practically begs me to date them or insists that I get their number.

It's flattering to say the least.

Here is something very serious...something that I guess did change me...

I've noticed that some of the men that go are extremely unattractive and middle aged but they come up to me and buy me a drink and just talk. They aren't there to get some ass they just want someone to talk to them and make them feel beautiful on the inside..It hurt me to realize just how judgmental I've become. The inside is what matters most.

 They are just as beautiful as anyone else.

You, my little monsters, are all beautiful.

Now that the seriousness have been discussed here is the fun O.M.G segment.

O.M.G

The section fucking awesomness.



•  OMG- I get paid nearly $1,000 dollars a week tax free dancing part time.
• OMG- I just went shopping bought my bf shoes, me shoes, a thriller jacket, jeans, three shirts for Ty, one for me, dinner and a movie, got my nails done, got Ty's hair done all on what I made this first week and I still have so much money left.
• OMG- after an amazing weekend me four guy friends, Ty and another dancer went to IHOP restruant at 4am then went home and got drunk...
• OMG- I get to dance to Michael Jackson, wear glitter, have the swagger of Ke$ha, and get hit on...for a living.
• OMG- Ty and I have incredible sex on the nights he sees me dance.

And that my lovely ladies is the conclusion.

I love you all so much! Stay Classy!



 



Explanation

Thank you.... all of you.

 I had no idea I had followers that cared so much.

I've been a wreck lately just because:
A.) I feel like a fat failure
B.) My beautiful best friends looks a million times prettier than I will EVER be.
C.)  Finally and mostly, Ty is leaving for nearly a month out to sea.



Anywhoozle my 20th birthday is 29 days away (august 5th) and I'm sad about it. I never have good birthdays and I know most people say that but I'm dead serious when I say I NEVER have good birthdays... I'm not sad that my birthday is going to suck I'm sad because I will no longer be a teenager.

I know most people as children couldn't wait to get older and be an adult..

Not me.

I was so eager to be a teen and even happier to be one.
Being a teenager is perfect...you are old enough to know better and young enough to not give a fuck.
Like charlie sheen..only without the pornstars and wrinkles.

So about my best friend...She is natalie portman and I'm kim kardashian. Except reverse the roles. She is the pretty in pink glamour girl and I'm the art history major, book reading indie girl.
I feel so ugly next to her... It's not that she's smaller, she's only one size smaller but our body shapes are so different. Same height but she is small chested, small hips and southern bell face.. I'm large chested, large hipped, curvy ass, average face.

This is her:

This is me:



Two bodies of desire from men...but hers is the one I want.

FML

Since Ty is gone I will be hauling my fat ass to the gym and hopefully following the ABC diet.
Maybe a fast...
He comes back on the 26-27th by that time I will have gotten a sexier bod, had my nails done, hair done and went tanning. I want him to come home to see me perfect.

and he will.

I want to be perfect on my birthday.

I love you all. I truly do.