Being a Stripper

Thank you all for the generous compliments on my last post and pictures!

I haven't read everyones blog lately because Ty and I are having some serious problems.
Ever since he cheated/lied last November I've had trust issues..and he's only slipped up a couple times but forgiving him has taken a lot out of me.

We are very different and I've changed a lot to make his life comfortable.
I'm not complaining because I love him but I feel so miserable at times.
I was so upset that last week I started looking at new housing..started thinking I'd leave him.

Sometimes I feel like I give and give...

So last night my bestie wanted to go to a local strip club in order to get a job there..
(She's a stripper at another club but needs something closer to home.)
And we decided to make a night of it.. The bestie, me and Ty went to the club.

We tipped the strippers and we were there for a few hours.
Ty had never been to a strip club...but let me make more sense of this...
This was NOT a strip club..its a go go bar. So in essence they are pole dancers in bikinis.. never nude.
The dancers don't have private VIP rooms and they dont do peek shows and there is no touching policies.
Ty was always skeptical and I had told him long before that I wanted to be a go go dancer.
When my bestie started being an actual stripper I was jealous. She had a job that didn't interfere with her taxes and finacial aid.

Ty and I struggle with bills although he'd never tell me....
I know he wishes I had a job but I just can't. I barely get enough in student loans to cover my schooling and having a job would remove my grants.. I'd have to drop out.

Schooling is the most important thing to me and my family.

There are things I need that Ty can't give me and I dont have the money for.
I need to get a car, doctors appointments, school books, a new laptop.
So go go dancing seemed like a great option to me... the club is very nice and respectable.
You work for tips but if I try to save up I could stay in school and get the things I need.

Ty had a great time at the club and saw how harmless that place is..
He loosened up, tossed ones, blushed and even had a favorite.
I didnt get jealous I know that its harmless.
When my bestie *Lena went to get a application Ty knew I wanted to do it too
so he told me to go fill out an application and he trusted me.
I went to the bar with Lena and filled out the application. The owner immediately liked us.

Ty was next to me and Lena the whole time while the manager talked about an audition..

The audition is tonight.

Once we got home Ty's smile and easy-going habit had faded.
He looked hurt and angry. He told me he didn't want me to do it and made me feel like shit.



I was confused. Why would he tell me to apply then use it against me later?
I feel like he wanted to embarass me by asking about a job and then telling me no so i'd have to go throught the embarassment of explaining to my bestie and the owner that i can't do it.

Eventually he came around and said I can do it...but it feels like a trap.
He's doing it to make me look like a low life and leave me.

I never do things for myself.

He hates me.

I should just leave him now and beat him to the punch.

What do I do?

Embracing Bones

I sincerely want to thank all of you for your lovely comments...

especially from Ruby Love Bird and Helen, and Liz you guys are great.

You all are.

So lately (this last week) I've been on a carb binge...kind of. Just an unholy amount of cereal, cheeze nips and crackers but I think I'm passed it. -Still no purging which makes me very happy.

The sadness is creeping in again. Not sad for any reason really, and not sad enough to disable me, just sad enough for me to mentally sigh all day long. It kind of feels like when you have a crush and you can't get that person off your mind only you picture cold concrete stained with ciggarettes and bones filled with dust.

I had under 400 calories today.

I took two diet pills they are like cocaine you aren't hyper but you'd die if you had to sit still for a moment.
So I worked out in between thinspo fishing, my term for scouring the internet for thinspo.
Some days you don't catch a thing like there was an oil spill on the thin community, but today the fish were biting.

I'm planning on finishing off this bottle of diet pills before Friday and nibbling bits of food till then.Ty comes home and I promised myself I'd look perfect for him. I will. My fat ass and abs are sore from working them out too hard. It will be worth it when his large warm hands are on me.

Seriously his hands are greek god-like.

I have so much to say but I will scare you all off if I write too much...

I've never been very secretive from Ty just because I hate the feeling of isolating him but I'm going to diet more quietly.. I usually tell him everything about my habits but I think I can do better if he doesnt know.

100lbs 100lbs 100lbs 100lbs

wish.starve.wish.sweat.wish

100lbs 100lbs 100lbs 100lbs

Thinspo Time For My Sexy Monsters



Ribs...not only at Chili's

I'm starving well thank goodness.

I appreciate every single comment I get!

I miss you all.

Tyler held me last night although we were both so tiered and kissed like we were 15 and our parents were in the other room. He held me.. I love his arms and hands they are so big he slipped his fingers into the grooves of my ribs and squeezed. He loves them. Not as much as I love them.

Honestly I am too tierd to report much. After school yesterday I did so many chores..Tyler's brother is coming today to stay for awhile and I've let some things slip so I wanted to be a good gf.
I did the following:
-2 loads of laundry
-Scrubbed the bathroom, tub, toilette, organized
-Sanatized the toothbrushes
-Cleaned the kitchen, dishes, cabinets, over, fridge, organized, mopped swept
-Cleaned the floors
-Washed the walls down, dusted, windows, washed the linens, made the bed.
-Took out the trash, clean all the door handles
-Cooked (from scratch) crab cakes and a white corn aoli sauce for tyler
-Ran to walmart to get groceries and a cot for his brother.
-Bought food for the boys, unloaded the groceries

All on an empty stomach, a full heart and by myself. I put off everything I wanted to do for myself because I knew ty wanted to play ball with his friends so I let him go out. I didnt have to time to do my homework and flunked it..but I still have an A in the class so IDC.  I also bought tyler a gift and he was so happy.
I love seeing him happy.

I'm skipping school today.

I'm tiered. I'm going to stay home, rest, sleep, and take a salon day. I need to pluck my eye brows, treat my hair, do my nails and look good for my man. So no workout today.. Oh yeah and I have super cramps since I'm on my period..FML I might jog tonight if it's not to cold...At least 500 crunchies and I have my weights.... hmmm. Ab workout? possible!

Sorry I'm boring.
I love you all!
Starve starve starve...that's what I'm gonna do.

Oh I'm thinking of adding a tips page..yes or no?

Starve-A-Thon resumed..

Starve-A-Thon

Thank you everyone for the comments and support. I guess when I look at the first and last photo I can see a difference. But when I look in the mirror I still resemble a walrus or perhaps an elephant. So I went to the doctor and I'm good. My blood work came back "normal" for an anemic. 

 

Thin-Talk

-I found out the calcium aides in burning fat so I'm taking calcium supplements with magnesium so that they absorb better.

- The starve-a-thon will resume from a day zero stand point and go for 2 weeks to 4 weeks.

-Tyler told me he will support me 100% in losing weight because it'll make me happy. He's gonna stop bringing junk food in the house, go to the gym more, and he'll stop asking me to eat. But like all good things including sex, drugs, and chocolate there is a catch. If I go below 115 he'll stop me. 

Although 110-100 would be much better I cannot complain...outloud at least.

Workout Regime

-I will be doing 3hour workout sessions twice a week, and a 1 hour workout on the weekend.

-Tuesdays are weight training and Circuit Training class.

-Thursdays are pure cardio and Circuit Training class. 

**On weeks where I hit a plateau I will workout an extra two hours.

 

So I'mma avoid all food by exstensive: cleaning, homework, doing my hair and nails and sleep.

Love you all and remember my little monsters

Pure as bone..

I've been on the merry go round again.

Lost my footing and fainted....

Although the concert was still pumping through my veins,
Tyler and I were arguing and cold to each other. The next day was even worse..
I got home early.-Too cold and too weak to stand and wait for the bus so I called a cab.
The driver was sweet.
Graying middle aged man who talked about how the area once was a dark ghetto...
He had a five o-clock shadow around his face and neck like a prickly scarf.
He rambled about how much he loved his wife..

I immediately thought of Tyler.

We had argued all day...and then I got home. The door was locked.
We never lock the door. So I knocked and he opened the door.
After a few seconds of us not talking to each other I notice a cab parked in front of my apartment.
The same cab-graying middle age man, over weight, kind smile behind glasses.
Then sprinting out of our building goes a girl with a short blond pony tail.

Shake, shiver.. I need to throw up.

I think it's her.. The girl from Tyler's work... the one that is always ruining my life!
I keep calm. I call my mom. She tells me terrible things. "It's all your fault"

I can't catch my breath. 

Tyler doesn't care because I accused him of cheating and he swears he didn't.
"There isn't even a blond girl in our damn apartment!"- I scream
The thoughts seep out like jelly when there is too much in your sandwich...
sitting there taunting me.

Slow jelly drips...

I stay calm as we scream at each other. I run a bath.. the last bath I'll ever take.
Open the Tylenol bottle?
Nah, Tried it..It ruins your organs and I hate getting my tummy pumped.. 
Been there done that.. Not fast enough.
We are in two separate worlds as I prepare to end mine.
I grab a cocktail dress. One that makes me feel beautiful.
The bracelet my mother gave me, a pack of starburst and a coke and set them by the tub.
I slip on my dress and turn on the song my mother always did when she lost all hope.
I shut the bathroom door and grab a razor. In my dress I climb into the bath.
No tears, no fear. I whisper my prayers. Eat a starburt, sip some coke and listen.

"I can't be cheated on." "I can't keep assuming stuff and hurting Tyler"

"I can't keep disappointing my mother" 

So I've decided to end it. I grab the razor. It's been so long since I cut I need practice.

Slice. Slice. Slice. Slice. 

Four bleeding cuts on my thighs.

In my thoughts- I've always wanted to die warm, pretty, and with comfort food, not alone...
Well I was alone in the bathroom.. but I can deal with that.
I pull the blade to my wrist. Left or right? Left. Definitely left. I'm fatter on my left side.

Slice. Slice. Slice-just getting warmed up. The opening act. 

Slice. Slice. Slice.- Dimming the lights.

They are calling my name like an encore...Waiting for me to hit the stage with a center light.
I press the razor down and the blood starts.. just need to drag it.

The curtain raises.. Red.

Only it's not a curtain... It's Tyler opening the door. "What are you doing"
I tell him calmly to leave.. I'm taking a bath.
He almost leaves.. I can't pull the trigger with him in the room.
He questions some more till he pulls back the curtain.

Technical Difficulties folks, the show will go on. Rest assured ladies and gents.

Yells, tears, question-His not mine. I am calm in my pink bath. I tell him I'm sleeping.
Yells, tears, questions-His not mine.

I tell him I'm going to a party. A birthday party. It's my birthday.

Total Breakdown, anger, tears-His not mine.
He tells me to get out of the tub or he's calling 911.
He pulls me out of the tub after nearly an hour of refusing to listen to him.
I lay down on the bed. He sits on a chair and we talk.
He reminds me my mom is a drunk and is an angry lady. she does this to me all the time.
He reminds me that yes he lied to me once, but never again. And has never cheated.
He told me that if I kill myself we would to.

"Everything together, right?"

He swears that no matter what he'd love me...he'd never let me go.
No matter how fucked up I am.
We cry and talk and hold each other. We take a nap.

We wake up and make some dinner..then lock eyes so in love.
So passionate for each others heart beat.

I graze his skin and it begs for me. We kiss. 

Then he looks at the blood stained wrists and his green eyes grow envious..
He doesn't want death to touch me. Only he can touch me!
I wrap my arms around his whispering how much I love him.
We are in passionate tears. His arms sail around me, pick up my thighs and carries me.
Kissing and crying he floats me into the bedroom..
We have the perfect storm in the sheets. Painful and beautiful. Tears and Kisses.
That was yesterday..
It's today, and today is a different day.
We slept in. I fixed him breakfast.We watch a movie, take a shower, talk about everything. 
We watch "what's eating you" he says he promises to try to know more about ED's
instead of just getting mad about them. he's nearly halfway through wintergirls. 
We are beaming with smiles..so happy so in love.
He kisses my wounds with neosporin.
I let him read a few of my blog posts and comments.. 
He says to thank you girls. 
He knows you guys are my diary life line..little angels under the clicks of my keyboard.
We are having an amazing day. 

I'm starting another fast on Monday. 
A special fast! The longest I've ever gone was 11 days. I want to beat that! I will beat that.
I want at least 2 weeks..  (hopefully 30 days!) Tyler promised to help me do it, but if I get sick he will end it immediately. I agree. My new bestie Lena has finally hit 116. She wrote me today bragging about perfectly fitting into her new size three pants. I tell he to fuck off lmao.. she knows its sick that we compete for it.
But she knows I'm only a few step behind her and soon we will be perfect skinny best friends!
I vowed to enter the new year as AT LEAST a perfect size three.
I will do it. I will finish this fast. I will be skinny. I want to be 115lbs.
I'm on top of the world and I'm happy right now.
Response-
Bonnafied- I'm not a veg.. I love animal bi-products way to much lmao Also I wish peanut butter was zero calorie...
Mich-When you said steak was carb free I nearly cried from happiness!
Happiness-I want 115 so bad! When you said I'm prolly 120 I nearly cried of happiness!

-The Ke$ha concert was amazing.. she came out in this 80's looking rock star IDGAF outfit and beat a glitter covered drum like to "Party at a Rich Dudes House". She shot glitter guns in the crowd, beat the shit out of a dinosaur pinata, did a cartwheel, kissed a bouncer, crowd surfed and was amazing!

The Frost

It's finally chilly all over Virginia, I noticed as I drove tyler to work and my vision was blurred by the frost on the windshield. We, Tyler and I had a talk last night because he wanted me to eat. So I broke my fast, of what five or six days? (I agreed to eat with him this weekend, and keep it down but when I say I'm full he can't pressure me to eat more.) So it was low cal, high protien. Salmon fillet over a green salad and acai juice. I managed to eat half the salad and almost all the salmon but on the last bite I envisioned fat and nearly choked gagging. He looked at me, knowing better that to say anything. He just takes my plate into the kitchen. We talk about my eating disorder which is a very uncomfortable subject to him.

He sighed and said, "I know you do this because you want to be thinner."
I told him that he doesn't get it, but he swears he does..
No he doesn't! I told him it's not even the fact that I love being skinny, it's the fact that even if I wanted to be a "healthy weight" aka fat, that I still couldn't eat normally. I'd still count every calorie, over exercise and look in the mirror 100 times a day. I told him I couldn't help it. I pulled out my Wintergirls book.

He promised me that he'd read it. Maybe he'll understand more if he researched a little.

He held me tight and told me that I've gotten really tiny. He asked if I can see my weight loss. I said that I did.. A little bit. For example I explained:
-On friday I sat down at the desk and rested my arms on the table but it hurt so bad because my elbow bones were digging into the table top..
-Whenever he hugs me I feel like my ribcage is going to break in half.
He said he thinks I probably weigh 123lbs... I started laughing (which hurt his feelings and I appologigized) But that weight sounds ridiculous to me. 123?! I wish.. But I'll never know untill I get the courage to get on the scales.



Thin Talk
-I can see 4 ribs, but my stomach isn't flat enough so I've decided to add running and crunches every morning if I can.
-Tyler walked passed me as I hopped out of the shower and said "Omg, babe you're so tiny"
-Those size three pants I was telling you all about well... I got them on, zipped them up and buttoned! But they are super tight! (so maybe tyler is right I was about 120lbs when I used to fit into those jeans)
-I'mma start fasting again on monday hopefully, I gotta make sure I don't have any tests first.

Response Time
-WWoof sounds amazing! where the fkk do I sign up!
-I don't think I've ever had a traumatic experience with gnomes but they are fucking terrible!
-I have msn, and face book, and skype and what not.. If you wanna chat that'd be great. I really don't care who finds out about my ED or this blog really..because I'm a little monster and I can do whatever the fuck I want so if you wanna add me its fine just lemme know :)
-I love you girls so damn much! I hope you all know that I'm truly sorry that I don't comment on all your blogs, I do read them all the time and comment at least every other day!!
-Hey there are like 5 new followers so welcome little monsters, tell me to follow your blog if i haven't yet so that I can :)
-thanks for the compliments, especially about the drawing. I don't really draw although I really used to love it and paint..But a couple years ago I lost myself and the talent for it.. I'm trying to pick it back up though.

Thinspo Time

You Are Not Alone/Thinspo

Thank you!
I want to let you all know that because of what you said and some Michael Jackson magic (I'll explain later) that I am staying with Tyler because I know everyone makes mistakes. He is sorry, He does love me, and we are working hard to get back the trust. So I'm much better now and the relationship recovery begins.

Michael Jackson Magic

-This is pretty much directed towards billiejean because she is as crazy about MJ as I am, but it will also show you guys how dead serious I am about Michael! So the other night I went to pick up tyler when he got off duty (he's in  the navy) I was still undecieded about trusting him ever again and felt so alone.. then I got in the car and turned on the radio. Michael Jackson's "You are not Alone" was playing and the lyrics spoke to me and reassured me the MJ was always watching me and saying that Tyler was the right choice. It sounds crazy to you guys but I believe In MJ.

Thin Talk

-So I've successfully fasted for 4 whole days now, I had two days over the last weekend where I ate because I was depressed (ugg I know) but since then NO FOOD! not even a crumb!

-I took a lax last night (TMI WARNING) and It grinded my gears all morning, I was so sick :(

-Yesterday I worked out for 3 solid hours (on no food!) I biked 5 miles, did weights and abs and elliptical, and treadmill then my circuit training class (which burns 1000 calories an hour)

-My calorie intake waas like negative 2000 or some awesome bullshit.

-My new bestie IRL, Lena, is just like me and skinny obsessed. She wanted to try lida so I gave her a pack (dont worry I made her research it first and gave her the Low-Down)

Tyler Talk

Tyler's Grandma passed away and he's been so down lately... R.I.P

-His other grams (we call her nan) she chatted to me on facebook and asked how we were doing. And she told me that she quote- "I know he is just crazy about you. He's my favorite grandson and since when he loves he really means LOVE" she also told me that his pappy was so mad that Tyler broke my heart that he's gonna kick his butt. She went on to tell me all the great things Tyler has told her about me. Which was so sweet and surprising because I didn't know that he told her that much about me. Tyler loves his family, and it's obvious he wants me to be a part of his forever.

 I do truly love him.

My Phobia- Dedicated to SickBitch

So I laughed so hard when I saw that you were terrified about worms, but then again I was being a TOTAL hypocrite lmao. I know how hard it must be when people think you're weird because your phobia... but don't! I have a "odd phobia" too. I'm terrified of Garden Gnomes.. I mean  I won't date a guy who has one in his yard lol I won't walk down a street with them and I can't watch Wallace and Gromit because I scream. And due to the fact that the Travelocity has Gnomes as a mascot I can't watch the Amazing Race... or TV most of the time.. They are fucking terrifying.

-Once, three years ago my so called bitch of a friend thought it would be jolly fun to put a little gnome in my mail box (she lived next to me) and after school we walked home together and I always check the mail well... surprise SUR-FUCKING-PRISE I put my hand in and there was the GNOME! I screamed so fkn hard I went to my room and turned on all the lights, hid under my covers and cried. She laughed her ass off for a fkn week. I refused to check that mailbox for at least a month or two.

Personal Thinspo Time

I've always wanted to be someone else's thinspo, so these are all pictures of my, except the drawing.. I drew that. lol

These pics are almost a week old.. but tell me what you think!







My pink studded monster shoes and those are BAGGY (yay) size 7 hollister denim jeans (no spandex blend crap)







A Picture I drew a couple weeks ago.

 

 





This is me outside my apartments



IDK if you guys like the FUCK YOU type of thinspo but this was over the weekend and it's me.



My legs and the ever growing gap between my fat ass thighs..



Skinny, Sick, Sad

Lovelybones- Ha ha ha  I loved you comment..It's so true and I'd love to say that to someone!

Skinny

-I'm slowly shrinking but I'm so damn imaptient!
-I can see my hipbones better!
-I started drawing again but all I draw is skinny people... hmmm
-I almost have a complete gap between my thighs!

Sick

-I'm so fucking sick, I don't know what the fuck it is but this little monster is sickers!
-On the plus side it made me throw up.
-Plus side also: I don't have to eat still, and I skipped school!

Sad

-My chem grade dropped to a B+..
-I didn't workout yesterday cause I was so damn sick,
-I never have time to be with tyler.. I'm afraid he'll forget why we got together or something, or forget me.. we only see eachother for 4 hours then we go to bed pretty much. And financially we are so stressed. He works so hard, and provides for me. I love him for all his hard work. I need to find a way to prove it to him.

Today

I gotta clean the apartment, and try to make my man super proud.. get all dressed up for him too. I also gotta do homework and pull all A's so that I can graduate college and get accepted to nursing school next year so that I can get a great nursing job so HE can kick his feet up while I provide for him and treat him like the Prince he is. I love you girls.. BTW I'll be posting new body shots on the 21st like I promised! Ribs and hipbones! we can only hope!
xoxoxoxo-bye bye monsters! TTYL

Thinspo

Haters make me Famous

I hate it when people are eitherjealous of hypocrites and become haters.
Well fortunately I'm fucked up enough to embrace haters.
They say shit like it's gonna phase me.

Once you start living your life by your own rules everyone else hates you for it.

Well fuck thier couch!

Stop Sippin on Your Haterade

-So you know how I told you all that I have a friend of mine who went anorexic and just got out of rehab right? Well the other day on facebook (root of all hating) I posted a status saying that I got a new dress, and I was a new size and it was a great day. Well she posts on it saying she really dislikes the new size and how there is no excuse for what I'm doing (so now everyone fkn knows about my ED) then I post back that she had no excuse either. She msg'd me all high and mighty fresh out of rehab saying how wrong I am and that she nearly died. I bitched her out saying that I've been in IP, support groups, etc and that she should know better than most that ED's aren't a game you can tap out of all the time. Then to make matters worse my old cheer partner commented on my picture saying i've changed (not for the good) because she thinks I'm too skinny and shit. Both of these girl used to rub it in my face about how perfect they were and now that I'm skinnier and happy they are haters! WTfuckityF!

Thin Talk Time

• I found a dress on sale at H&M that was to die for! (only $15) but it only came in size sm, and xs. Tyler told me to try on the small (which i didn't want to do because when smaller sizes dont fit I wanna die) So I went to the dressing room and put it on, opened the door to show Ty and his jaw dropped! It fit perfectly! and DAMN does it look good!
• Just liquids..
• I'm sick (yay! that sounds fucked up i know but I always loose weight when I'm sick!)

Let's Get Physical

• Went to the gym yesterday and worked out from 10:30- 12:30, then an excersise class till 1:30!
• 6 Miles on the cycle
• 2 Miles with the arm chest press cycle
• Hip inductions, inner and outer
• Quads and arms
• Ciruit Training class (all cardio, part kick boxing, part pilates part bootcamp!) for one hour straight including a thirty minute intense ab workout! Then walked two miles with my new bestie.
• Tanned for 20mins in the new sun angel tanning bed. Walked another two miles. :)

-Now im sore and sick. It's gonna be water, fresh fruit smoothie, and broth for me today ;)

-My new bestie is amazing! Let's call her Lena. (from Sisterhood of the Traveling pants lmao) Anyways she's a bitch just like I am! We both: have military beaus, brunette, hate cellulite & both love working out and staying thin! She's not ana, but she's def got some tendencies. We tan together, thin talk and pretty much rule. Lena is the athletic body type, not muscular but you would think that she does track. I think she said she's 127 lbs & a size 3/5 almost just like me although she is tinier in curves but she is also taller I think. Girls, do you know what this means?! It means I'm getting a perfect body (eventually!), have perfect man and a perfect new bestie!

-Oh and I aced those fkn tests so I'm a perfect student too! Now just to get to 115 before the year ends!!! I love you girls! xoxoxo stay strong, stay thin and stay BAD!

Thinspo

 

Please keep me motivated!!!

xoxoxo