Bikini Season Awaits

So March has been a FAT AS FUCK month..

0-1400 calories.

Gym gym gym.

May 7th is nearing... I must be 117 by that exact date.

As I walk throughout the campus I become a critic, freak, spectator.

-She is too fat..I hate her.

-She is so skinny... I hate her too.

-(mirror) She is so disgusting. I really fucking hate her.

I'm starting a fast again. I'll video tape it.

I'm a fat fuck... I hate myself. I cried last night for hours.

 (at least crying probably burns calories)

I hate myself most days...

I think I'm fat, ugly, annoying, rude, gross, worthless.

I want to be invisible, desirable, beautiful...but there is nothing beautiful about me.  I purge in the restrooms you use, I faint in the gyms you workout it, I cringe is the restaurants you FEED in, I shrivle in the sun you grow in. I am an anorexic.

THINSPO

Day one of the Starve-a-thon

Starve-a-thon

I like the name... I think I'm gonna copyright it he he he.
Anyways today is day one of my fast and it's going AMAZING!
I woke up, took my diet pill, had coffee with splenda and went to school. 
After Sociology I met up with Lena and we worked out like crazy!

-My Workout-

(I worked out from 11am-2:40pm)

• Cycle: 8 miles
• Stretching:10 mins
•  Ellipticals (cross trainer) 2-3 miles
• Circuit Training Class- 1hr. Part: kick boxing/boot camp/abs/guts/butts, all cardio!
• Stretching again: 20 mins
• Endurance Cycles- 1 hour
• Abs: 250 military and side crunchies

Meanwhile I drake a powerade zero.
After hanging with Lena and chit chatting I went home. 
Tyler is UBER sick right now so I just fixed him dinner and he's in bed. 
I'm missing my favorite show tonight so that he can watch the game and relax. :)

I need to be thin.
I need to be tiny! 
I will complete this damn fast!

Last Song

"Everybody needs inspiration,
Everybody needs a song.
A beautiful melody,
When the night's so long.
Cause there is no guarantee,
That this life is easy.

Yeah when my world is falling apart.
When there's no light to break up the dark,
That's when I, I, I look at you.
When the waves are flooding the shore,
and I can't find my way home anymore.
That's when I, I, I look at you."

I made my monster man watch The Last Song with me last night. :) I love Nicholas Sparks books, and I loved the movie. My monster tries to act like he doesn't get gaga for romance movies but he was smiling and blushing all throughout the movie! 

How fucking cute!

 

Thin Talk:

-I didn't work out but I walked like 5 damn miles lmao. 

-I had 2 rice cakes (100 cals) Some soda (100-ish) then I had a slice of cheesecake?! I know right?! wtf! Even though its wasnt huge it HAD to have been 400calories... FML.. So that means (rounding up!) 750 calories today... Fucking gross I know.

-Went tanning (looovvvee it) 

(FAT FAT FUCKING FAT)

I hate myself for being such a lard ass-

So one of my besties from a year ago JUST got out of rehab for anorexia.. I know it's super sick to say this but I was jealous of how thin she got... It was amazing to me. 

I was hella pissed at her because she's not fucked up, I mean she was a valedvictorian, played four intruments, spoke three languages, was GORGEOUS, rich parents who loved her, only child, well respected and super talented at everything she did.. But she never thought she was beautiful. I saw the signs of her gaining an eating disorder our senior year... but once we graduated and moved away from eachother I was in a recovery period she finally broke through and became anorexic. She went from a size 9, to a size 3 in less than 6 months..then a few months ago it was a size one (mind you she's 5'10) and passed out at the university gym... Then went to rehab.

I love her and I'm glad she recovered... I fucking miss her. You would love her!!

So I'm cleaning the FUCK out of my apartment because ty has been great to me, and I'm papmer myself and do my nails and hair and salon shit so that I look good for him. 

 

I feel so huge.. I looked at my arms and I'm certain they are the size of hippo.. My thighs are looking better and I'm so close to getting a gap. Luckily I can feel my hipbones and see my collar bones...but I know  

I'm still a huge fucking whale.. 

I told myself I'd stop once I fit into my size 7 jeans.. 

WHO THE FUCK am I KIDDING HERE!?

I'm not gonna stop.

I want size five...but I want size 3 even more... but I NEED size one.

Fuck.

P.S- I love the fuck out of you little monsters.. you and rice cakes keep me breathing!

Little Lazy Monster..

Thank you little monsters for all the comments/compliments! 

(Even though I know that I'm a huge fat whale, I took everything you said to heart.)

-So I was at the dentist for TWO hours. But my dentist is amazing! I got all four teeth fully restored and they look amazing. I was so fatigued at the dentist that I nearly fell asleep at least a dozen times.

-I wore the cutest outfit today..and I know I'll actually look good in it one day lmao. It was a babydoll/Laura Ingles type dress, w/ tights and big lace up leather ankle boots. I feel moderately good about myself now because I got hit-on 7 times yesterday! Different guys, at different times!

But too bad sucka's! I got a perfect man!

Speaking of which... Who wants to see a picture of us? If yes lemme know and I'll post one ;)

But...

If I post it you have to PROMISE to wipe your chin of drool cause he's too fkn cute! 

;)

I've had too many calories in the last couple days..probably 750ish a day! 

I know I was gonna start my fast but I have mid terms next week... 

I don't know if I should try to fast and see how it goes or just eat until those are over. 

But I haven't gained any.. I'm still hoping to be at LEAST 120 by October 21st. 

Seriously I'm gonna live of Lida, Rice Cakes, Air and Water! 

Fuck.. I need to go to the gym!

I Love you girls...seriously if it doesn't work out with tyler who wants to be my girlfriend? Any takers ;)
LMAO.
Ah.. I fucking love you little monsters. xoxoxoxo Stay thin ;)

I'm Spiraling...

Yesterday was my Tyler day... it went great. I took him shopping and he bought some of the hottest outfits I've ever seen (who knew he had such hot style?!) I mean I saw him try them on and immediately went into monster mode ;) And I went shopping too...not a lot though, just some panties, and long sleeve shirts (for winter) and some new work out tenni-shoes, and two pairs of jeans.. I had to almost squeeze into the hollister size 7's..my ass is having a war with them.. but they are size seven! I want to be a size 5 before the month is over... I know I should be proud to be a 27-29 & a 7... because I used to be a size 30(womens) 9-11 (juniors) in april..but then at the mall I went to Papya and I tried on a pair of 7's that were too tight! I almost cried right there... I immediately regretted the 400 calories I had uptil then... FUCK I was so depressed the rest of the night. All that went through my head is "ok, I'm not gonna eat for 10 days!" I know how tyler hates when I'm depressed about my fat..so I hid it deep down inside.

I'm so fucking huge, and ugly and gross...
I wanna starve to death or rip out large chunks of fat from my skin and show my body who's boss...
I'll read everyones blogs and leave tons of comments because I might not post for awhile.. I just had breakfast while writing this... I have to go purge.

I love you girls... stay strong for me.. I feel like a huge let down!

FML- I hate myself.

If Cosmo is the Bible then I'm a disciple.

I love you girls!

I feel like you guys really care and support me! YAY!
And because you guys are so fucking RAD your prayers and wishes worked their little monster magic!
My Dad is stable for now, and Tyler and I have had the best last couple of days! 

This right here is exactly what we are like 99% of the time! This morning he rolled on me and told me he's not moving off me... I asked why, and he said he has to make sure I don't go away. Aw Then he kisses the crap out of me and exchange 

"I love you's" and he always gets this blown away look on his face and says how happy he is. I love him so much.

-Oh and welcome new followers! And thank v. for the comment! Thank all of you for them comments, big girl hugs!
-So I've been a big fat whale lately... Some of it was planned and some was pure laziness...

I mean "Kirsty Alley's work-out" kind of lazy.. so yea. PRETTY FUCKING LAZY

I haven't purged in like a month...but I haven't binged in like a month either.. I've been taking diet pills everyday but I think my metabolism hit a plateau since I was eating under 500cals a day so this weekend I thought "I'll eat everything!" to boost it.. So starting Monday I'm starving again. :) I need pressure and support guys!  

I mean "Kirsty Alley's chair" kind of support... so yea.. LOTS OF FKN SUPPORT!

(haha I'm such a bitch.)

Anywhoozle I mean it girls! whoop me into shape. what are some good rules?

Wait! I've got it! A challenge! You girls help me make a list for my next post, of rules and I'll promise to stick to this and get to 120 pounds by the 25st of this month! I'm pretty sure that I'm 136 right now... So that's 16 pounds in less that 3 weeks! And I'll promise to take a before and after body shot! You girls in?!

P.S- You have to look up the song "Fuck You" by Cee Lo Green 

          It's hilarious. I'm in love with it! hehehe

I love you guys!!!!!! xoxoxoxox

Comedic Downfalls of an Average Girl.

Don't ask why someone like me would write a blog.

I''m about as common as a rainy day in April... But I have the insane urge to blurt random memories or stories and what better place to do so then in the agonizingly endless storage of the internet.

I'm 18, a college student living on the east coast, (which sucks more than the feeling I get when there is nothing on television but the Wendy Williams show) also I'm in a ridiculously failed marriage. The only upside to my American dream of a life is that; I love life, and have enough humor to get me through the unbelievable moments in my life..

Currently I'm sporting my old high school gym shirt, my "husbands" workout shorts a pair of worn out tennishoes, a dilapidated ponytail that is sprawling with dark brown morning frizz curls... I just got back from jogging. Because I feel Im fat... I have an ED but show me a girl who doesn't these days..

I plan on doing nearly nothing today... Maybe meander around my large empty aparment or finish packing for my summer vacation.

So I'll write down all my crazy stories on here for the world to see.... An old friend of mine always said my life was too interesting to not know about and I find it all so humerous that it no longer embarasses me.. So tomorrow I'll start with the beginning and work my way into the juicy crap..