Me in the ER

ew I look fat..except the pretty collar bone

Hospitalized

I fucking hate the hospital.

My nurse was a moron.

Poking my veins for and IV..take this oxygen tube they say...

At least I got a bracelet...for my collection

Bikini Season Awaits

So March has been a FAT AS FUCK month..

0-1400 calories.

Gym gym gym.

May 7th is nearing... I must be 117 by that exact date.

As I walk throughout the campus I become a critic, freak, spectator.

-She is too fat..I hate her.

-She is so skinny... I hate her too.

-(mirror) She is so disgusting. I really fucking hate her.

I'm starting a fast again. I'll video tape it.

I'm a fat fuck... I hate myself. I cried last night for hours.

 (at least crying probably burns calories)

I hate myself most days...

I think I'm fat, ugly, annoying, rude, gross, worthless.

I want to be invisible, desirable, beautiful...but there is nothing beautiful about me.  I purge in the restrooms you use, I faint in the gyms you workout it, I cringe is the restaurants you FEED in, I shrivle in the sun you grow in. I am an anorexic.

THINSPO

Fatty Fuck Needs A Fast

I hate the 120's... I'm fasting again... Videos? Im so fucking fat!

I''l be fine once I get it.

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and

I know everything that shine

aint always gonna be gold.

I'll be fine once I get it...I'll be good.

Quick Update:

-Because of my mother I'm going to conseling..my first session is in a hour.

-I've kept it under 800 cals! yay

-I'm still having huge troubles trusting tyler.

-I lost my real life ana buddy. We split apart because of others just like Wintergirls.

-I'm a liar. I lie to everyone.. I told my mom I'm eating again.

- I sprained my foot running..then continued to run on it because I know I'm fat.

The quote on the top is from the Pursuit of Happiness by Kid Cudi. It's my favorite song of the decade probably... I have it on repeat all day...Its how I feel about being skinny and thin..I'll be fine once I get it. today is national pancake day and IHOP gives free pancakes... I FUCKING LOVE pancakes...but I'm not going... I'm having rice cakes, tea, coffee, and sweet potatoe today. Thats it. That all I deserve.

-Swim season is approaching.

-I have no clue why I'm so depressed all the time..Prolly because *Lena* left me. Now I have no friends. Which is okay I guess. I'm just living my life. I miss drugs and alcohol.

Fuck everyone pretty much.

According to losertown.org I will be 112 by May 7th. So I will meet my 40lb mark...

Do you ever feel like you are the only person awake in the room?

I do.

She's A Maniac

I have been working out like crazy every single damn day this week. 

Psh...this month actually!

Yesterday I ran four miles, bikes, did abs, and stretching and burned 535 calories I took in 575 calories of non-meat low fat/cal foods. I know a lot of people ask what calories I intake so I'll show you exact what this month has looked like.

Feb 1:    410 calories

Feb 2:    550

Feb 3:    600

Feb 4:    700

Feb 5:    1400 binge

Feb 6:    950  binge

Feb 7:    700

Feb 8:    850

Feb 9:    525

Feb 10:  -735

Feb 11:  860

Feb 12:  400

Feb 13:   1400 binge

Feb 14:   250 

Feb 15:   1800 binge

Feb 16:   550

Average= 891calories. 

^This means that in order to have an 800 calorie average for the month I cannot have any more binges, and in order to get a 600 or 500 calorie average I'm going to have to fast a few days... I know I round all my calories up like 50 cals its still terrible numbers.

Newflash

-My IRL ana buddy just got fucked over by her man and I wanna kill him,

-I'm ordering my bikini soon

-Some guy offered me a ride yesterday it was hilarious.

-Fitness magazine said that 51% of women would skip sex for a year if it meant they could be skinny! LMAO LOVE IT! I know I would.

-I'm going to the gym again today! Yay!

THINSPO TIME

Preparations Of Bikini Season

The time is killing me, nearing. 

The time of which I am talking about it bikini season. I will be ready this year! 
I know for some of you who live in the lower hemisphere you are already warm and soaking up the sun but for me it's slowly melting and beggining to warm up. 

This may is a HUGE anniversary for me. Because in May 2010 I had hit my highest weight and then relapsed into ana. On May 5th I weighed in at 157 lbs.  For you sweeties using the metric system that is 71.2 kg. 

I told myself that I was never going to let myself get that high again and so far I've been very succsesful. 

But...yes the but statement..

I want to have the best anniversary ever on May 15 2011 and step on the scale and let it read 117!

I know my goal weight is less than that but to lose exactly 40 lbs in one year would be the best thing ever!

The last time I stepped on a scale a few months ago it read 124... And I know I've lost weight since then. Tyler say he thinks I'm 119 right now...but I have no clue.

It would a testament to myself that all the starving, purging, grueling workouts was worth it. 

And it would prove to me that my goal weight is possible!

Tiny Thin Talk Time :)

-Today Ty and I went to the gym and I burned 491 calories and had over 10,000 steps.

-I've had strawberries for breakfast, coffee, one rice cake, yogurt light, diet dr pepper and a salmon salad. Totaling of 750 calories (rounded up)

-Net calories of 259.

Answers:

-It is hard to have an ana buddy because I worry about her. But its also nice to have someone to talk to who doesn't think I should be sent to a mental institution.

-I love the word FASHIONISTA almost as much as I love the word Glitter...

-The pills I take are called Phenphedrine... I only take them on days I work out because they are pretty intense.

THINSPO

A Great Glittery Day

So as some of you might know I have a real life ana bestie...She's beyond amazing. We decieded last night that we would destroy today. She picked me up at 10am and we headed to the gym and I challenged her:

Her: So what are we doing today? Abs and Cardio?

Me: I think cardio because I feel fat (even though I didn't eat yesterday..)

Her: Same.

Me: Let's do 1 Hour straight cycling. 

Her: (she looks at me quizzically) Seriously? I love you.

Me: I love you too. Let's do it.

And guess the fuck what!? We did! 

One straight hour as hard as we could on the bike. 

I biked over 15 miles and burned 610 calories.

After I went to a conference with my teacher who I despise. Turns out I aced my essay!

(which I bullshitted)

Then I met *Lena* at the salon across the street and we went tanning. Then walked back to the gym for a second dose. 
- Elliptical, Hip inducters, Abs, abs and abs, stretch, squats. 
- Went grocery shopping for new low cal food.

So I've consumed 230 calories of fruit today and ended up burning 1000+ cals. 
My pretty little pedometer reads 18,000 steps. 

-Thank you all for the comments! I've left some comments for you girlies and have been reading your blogs religiously! And I'll be careful thanks for the concern. And I know I shouldn't let someone treat me like crap I'm just one of those hopeless romantics. And I know he's trying.

-I need to piss...

-So I'm not eating till dinner tomorrow which will be salmon...

-I'm gonna try and stay under 600 a day like I have for this past week. 

Not gonna lie I'm pretty proud of myself. 

I couldn't have done it without my little red pill of death.

Well I'm heading off.. I got to do more laundry and abs :) 

Smooches monsters! Stay Strong!

THINSPO TIME

A fresh breath of air.

I know sucked at posting and so much has happened. So here's a newsflash section loves!

NEWS-FLASH ME!

-Tyler and I are on rocks right now. I found out that he sent out dirty pics of himself to some sluts. I told him I was leaving him. I took out my lipstick and wrote on the mirror "You don't fucking love me! I'm not your bitch, FUCK YOU!" ripped up his favorite pic of us and left the bracelet he gave me and hopped on a plane. I came back though,We are together. kind of. I told that I love him even though he doesn't deserve it and that I will not believe him when he says he loves me. He's trying everyday for the past three weeks to be great but my heart is broken fine.

-I almost have a super sexy 4 pack abs! Too bad its covered with a blanket of chub. FML
-I've had my first public restroom binge/purge...
-I ordered some high waisted vintage denim shorts from australia ;)
-I have a new Thinspo Journal!
-My spring break is one Month away and I will be 115 by then. <800 cals a day!

Thin Talk

Okay so I've binge/purged too much, worked out too much, too many diet pills and too many laxatives. But fuck the world because they are working. Lmao. SO there is this AMAZING girl in some of my classes: I don't know her name, my ana friend and I hate her/love her. 

We call her: the goddess.

She is size 00. Big brown eyes. Always is with a water bottle and coffee. Tons of eye makeup. I love her. You can see every little bone. She is cute! I wanna shake her and scream "TEACH ME YOUR WAYS!" I wish I could put her in my pocket. She cannot weigh more that 85 lbs.. 

Thinspo for My Little monsters!

Sorry I've been missing...

I'm sorry for being gone! On day ten of my fast I found out that my Grandma died.. So I broke the fast and flew 3000 miles home for the funeral.

-Got shitty drunk and threw up redvines and vodka outside a cold and cheap hotel while my brother held my hair back.

-Ate some chinese food.

All my friends back home exploded on my for being "too skinny" And my mother tried to have a sit down with me...she thinks i need help. psh. My best friend had the audacity to see me and say "eat much?" then continued to tell me its ok to be a healthy weight and I need to start eating...She's just jealous.

Yep I said it and I'm a bitch.

I missed you all. I'm gonna start another fast just because...I'm fat...if I can beat the 120 threshold I know I can make it to 110.

Oh newsflash Ty gave me permission to vomit if i want to! Score. I got to go... the gym is calling my name!

Think thin, be thin!