Anorexic April..

The days are slowly melting together. They always do, like peanut butter on the roof of your mouth, melt and dissolve. I'm starving. Which means I'm happier. I've fucked up twice in the past two weeks, weeks which average <500 calories a day. I've been in and out of the gym so much that I know now for certain how many stair it takes to get to the aerobic loft-24 stairs- 4 calories burned.

I binged on Saturday. Went for a mile walk before I did it. Bought a stuff crust pizza, Hawaiian bread rolls, and 1.2 gallon of ice cream. I only ate two slices and a cup of ice cream but I hated it. I fucking wanted to die. So I did what any good fucked up person would do. I FIXED the SITUATION. 6 pretty pink extra strength laxatives coursed down my throat like little bumper cars from heaven.

So since I'm still in the 120's I'm going to go to the gym EVERY day this week-no matter what. 

I'm on day eight of this diet..which means <400 calories.

Food Log today:

Green Tea 0

Rice cake 50

Yogurt 50

Most of an Apple 80

Popcorn 100

Soup 70

Total= 350

I could starve better.. 

But I did burn 400 calories at the gym this morning.

-This is my last week of classes till finals

-I head back to Oregon in 17 days

-Ty's family arrives this weekend

-I must be thin.

-Gym everyday!

Thinspo of the week!

Back on Track..

Things are finally settling back to how they are supposed to be.

...I'm going to the gym every other day.

...I'm eating healthy calories <800 a day no exceptions

I realize the other day how much time I spend reading thinspo... If I spent that amount of time on studying I'd be a genius.

Seriously.

Good news, I'm not craving, binging, purging or freaking out.

I have one month till my Ana-versary from my relapse...Where I was 157 pounds and 5'7.

I'm somewhere in the 120's right now and I have to be 117 by May 7th in order to claim that I've rid my skeleton of fat grossness Satan 40 pounds.

According to losertown, if I continue to eat <800 calories a day and work out 1-3 times a week I will be 117.2 pounds on May 7th... I'm currently averaging 690 calories and working out 3-5 times a week. 

So we'll see.

I got my bikini ordered... this is the top I bought

And this is the bottom.. I have a nautical star tattoo on my shoulder blade 

So I thought this would accent it ;)

I'm okay

Hey everyone,

I'm feeling well thanks for all the well wishes. I had to go to the ER because I was dying in pain. My period came and along with it my Dysmenorreah and it knocked me off my feet. They almost decided to do a surgery but opted out..

Newsflash!

• I have A's in every class EXCEPT the one I'm failing..lmao
• I'm dark and tan now! yay for sun and sprays!
• Ty thinks I'm not skinny so I'm driven to be sickly.
• I got my PT unity bracelet in the mail! 159/200!

Thinspo!

Me in the ER

ew I look fat..except the pretty collar bone

Hospitalized

I fucking hate the hospital.

My nurse was a moron.

Poking my veins for and IV..take this oxygen tube they say...

At least I got a bracelet...for my collection

Bikini Season Awaits

So March has been a FAT AS FUCK month..

0-1400 calories.

Gym gym gym.

May 7th is nearing... I must be 117 by that exact date.

As I walk throughout the campus I become a critic, freak, spectator.

-She is too fat..I hate her.

-She is so skinny... I hate her too.

-(mirror) She is so disgusting. I really fucking hate her.

I'm starting a fast again. I'll video tape it.

I'm a fat fuck... I hate myself. I cried last night for hours.

 (at least crying probably burns calories)

I hate myself most days...

I think I'm fat, ugly, annoying, rude, gross, worthless.

I want to be invisible, desirable, beautiful...but there is nothing beautiful about me.  I purge in the restrooms you use, I faint in the gyms you workout it, I cringe is the restaurants you FEED in, I shrivle in the sun you grow in. I am an anorexic.

THINSPO

Fatty Fuck Needs A Fast

I hate the 120's... I'm fasting again... Videos? Im so fucking fat!

I''l be fine once I get it.

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and

I know everything that shine

aint always gonna be gold.

I'll be fine once I get it...I'll be good.

Quick Update:

-Because of my mother I'm going to conseling..my first session is in a hour.

-I've kept it under 800 cals! yay

-I'm still having huge troubles trusting tyler.

-I lost my real life ana buddy. We split apart because of others just like Wintergirls.

-I'm a liar. I lie to everyone.. I told my mom I'm eating again.

- I sprained my foot running..then continued to run on it because I know I'm fat.

The quote on the top is from the Pursuit of Happiness by Kid Cudi. It's my favorite song of the decade probably... I have it on repeat all day...Its how I feel about being skinny and thin..I'll be fine once I get it. today is national pancake day and IHOP gives free pancakes... I FUCKING LOVE pancakes...but I'm not going... I'm having rice cakes, tea, coffee, and sweet potatoe today. Thats it. That all I deserve.

-Swim season is approaching.

-I have no clue why I'm so depressed all the time..Prolly because *Lena* left me. Now I have no friends. Which is okay I guess. I'm just living my life. I miss drugs and alcohol.

Fuck everyone pretty much.

According to losertown.org I will be 112 by May 7th. So I will meet my 40lb mark...

Do you ever feel like you are the only person awake in the room?

I do.

She's A Maniac

I have been working out like crazy every single damn day this week. 

Psh...this month actually!

Yesterday I ran four miles, bikes, did abs, and stretching and burned 535 calories I took in 575 calories of non-meat low fat/cal foods. I know a lot of people ask what calories I intake so I'll show you exact what this month has looked like.

Feb 1:    410 calories

Feb 2:    550

Feb 3:    600

Feb 4:    700

Feb 5:    1400 binge

Feb 6:    950  binge

Feb 7:    700

Feb 8:    850

Feb 9:    525

Feb 10:  -735

Feb 11:  860

Feb 12:  400

Feb 13:   1400 binge

Feb 14:   250 

Feb 15:   1800 binge

Feb 16:   550

Average= 891calories. 

^This means that in order to have an 800 calorie average for the month I cannot have any more binges, and in order to get a 600 or 500 calorie average I'm going to have to fast a few days... I know I round all my calories up like 50 cals its still terrible numbers.

Newflash

-My IRL ana buddy just got fucked over by her man and I wanna kill him,

-I'm ordering my bikini soon

-Some guy offered me a ride yesterday it was hilarious.

-Fitness magazine said that 51% of women would skip sex for a year if it meant they could be skinny! LMAO LOVE IT! I know I would.

-I'm going to the gym again today! Yay!

THINSPO TIME